Chelsea Football Club has been granted special, unique status following a fourth consecutive cup final win avoidance. FA Executive Ron Mann confirmed, 'Starting next season, Chelsea will be proactively encouraged to not compete in further FA Cup matches. It's for their own good.' image from pixabay

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Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation: 'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity . 'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolutely nothing, as...