Disney's bonkbuster adaptation of Jilly Cooper's Rivals has been praised by Relate, The Women's Institute and the West Midlands Sexual Health Service for its lifelike portrayal of relationships. 'I hadn't realised that if a man is smoking a cigar while demonic choir music swells around him he's probably a wrong 'un', one counsellor told us. 'Wish I'd known that before my first marriage'. 'So you're not supposed to shag your best mate's daughter?' asked one bemused viewer. 'News to me'. The...

A future Reform government will lobby the TV companies to put some decent telly on during the day. ‘I have been selflessly researching television programmes during the afternoons’, a tobacco-stained party leader told us. ‘And the choice is pretty poor. There’s some great stuff on there – classic shows like Only Fools and Horses – and some wonderful programmes showcasing Nazi engineering – but most of it is home renovation dross and Australians with metal detectors. ‘When I’m Prime Minister...

A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives. ‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’. Master race enthusiasts...