Bram Stoker’s ghost has issued an apology after lodging the idea in people’s minds that crucifixes repel vampires and might be a symbol of virtue. ‘After watching America for a few years, and more recently Russell Brand, it seems that I was 180 degrees wrong about the Sign of the Cross’, his ghost told mediums. ‘It’s clearly displayed by the worst humans ever to befoul the earth. Sorry, my bad. ‘ I would also like to apologise for the poverty of my imagination. I honestly believed that the...

NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman. ‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’. The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next...

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