Washington has finally found a way around the problem of the embarrassing number of octogenarians jostling to become the next resident of the White House. With assistance from the American Kennel Club, each geriatric candidate has been assigned a new canine age. Congressman Winthrop Stoad III of Georgia, 94, has just entered the contest as a 31-year-old. 'It helps people forget that I've been in Congress since 1948 and voted for Jim Crow laws right through the 1950s,' he explains. However,...

Shocked scientists have discovered we're entering a "genetic recession", with humans set to drop behind chimpanzees within 50 years. "Close observers of daytime TV and TikTok videos are not surprised at this", says Professor Richard Dawkins. Some supermarkets are already stockpiling peanuts and bananas, it has been revealed. The government has launched a nationwide plant-a-tree drive, promising that everyone will have a branch to swing from by 2040. Meanwhile, fashion experts predict that...

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