"Putting hundreds of killer sharks between England and France shows our commitment to biodiversity and protecting vulnerable species", DEFRA spokesman Bryan Mackenzie has insisted. He explains that it is part of "resetting the ecological balance" in British waters. The fact that the sharks can smell a dinghy full of asylum seekers from five miles away never even occurred to the ministers who planned this move, he claims.
"It could also bring much-needed movie revenue to the south of England", he adds. "Any Hollywood producer who wants to set Jaws V on the Kent coast will have a cast of terrifying predator sharks ready and waiting. He might even snatch some real-life footage of someone being chewed up by one of them - although we sincerely hope it won't be a migrant, of course".
The first batch of the bloodthirsty fish were released at Dover today. "Within a month 500 of these chaps will be patrolling - sorry, I mean swimming and frolicking in - the English Channel", Mr Mackenzie promised.
Meanwhile, he brushed off concerns that the sharks have been fed on special migrant-flavoured snacks while in captivity.