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Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.


Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.


Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.


Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:


'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.


'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.


'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.


'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'




First published 10 Feb 2022


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New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick.


"Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of migrants in hotels and the paying of huge contracts for this out of government funds is also the fault of Conservative Robert Jenrick. Again not Reform Robert Jenrick, who is a totally different member of parliament who sits in a completely different place to the former Shadow Justice Secretary who was sacked by the Tories."


When asked about issues other than immigration, Reform Robert Jenrick also was quick to turn his ire on Conservative Robert Jenrick, remarking, "Problems with the NHS clearly stem from Robert Jenrick's time as a health minister; a lack of social cohesion and rampant Council Tax rises from Robert Jenrick's time as secretary of state for Housing, Communities and Local Government; and problems with the economy from Robert Jenrick's tenure as Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. It is obvious to all but the stupidest that the wheels started coming off the country when Robert Jenrick was given any form of power within a governing administration. Thankfully, Reform Robert Jenrick is pandering to the stupidest, so I look forward to retaining my seat with a larger majority when the next General Election comes around."


Political Theorist Dr O'ctopus from the Marvel University of DC explained the phenomenon, telling us, "This isn't political amnesia; rather a political multiverse. Once parties are out of power, a new dimension is created where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. This explains things like Boris Johnson's columns in the Daily Mail criticising the country's actions during Covid, Kemi Badenoch attacking Labour's implementation of the Conservative plan to return the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, and blaming Rachel Reeves for not fixing fourteen years of managed economic decline led by four Prime Ministers from 2010 to 2024.





"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.


"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.


"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.


"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.


"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."




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