Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising

The government has set out a timetable for it's business leading up to a general election in 2024 and and the vast majority of the days are allocated to apologies.

A newly set-up Department of Contrition has published several white papers, which it hopes will cover most of the major calamities visited on the country in the last 12 years.

"Grenfell is the start.", said a grim faced spokesman. "We've managed to find a few spare days when Mr Johnson isn't on holiday to make a start on what we expect to be long process of regret. Liz Truss is believed to have cleared her diary for the next 18 months."

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Image: PixabayChequeredlink

ERG denies outbreak of unity within Tory parliamentary party

It appears today that no one, with possible exception of the Mail's Andrew Pierce, believes the Tory Party has embraced the concept of unity.

An unnamed source for extreme right wing reactionary conservative nutjobs, the ERG said: 'What's that? We're all now singing off the same hymn sheet? Are you kidding? This is the Tory Party. Next you'll be telling me the Earth's not flat and Suella Braverman isn't utterly heartless.'

And one member of the inner circle close to sacked business secretary, Jacob Rees-Mogg said: 'Well of course that's all very well, but I happen to know Jacob's pretty sore over losing his cabinet place. Particularly, as he'd been putting a lot of legwork and time into plans to create a revamped East India Company and introduce a new national serf scheme.'

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Image: Geralt - pixabay

Boris 2.0 – ‘too much integrity’ to be PM

In previous reports we may have given the impression that Boris 2.0 was a shoo-in for Prime Minister. We now realise that his integrity and all-round decency wouldn’t allow him to be become Prime Minister at a time when the Privileges Committee might suspend him. He only cut short his third holiday in three months to bundle his family on a cattle-class flight home just to confirm he wasn't standing.

NewsBiscuit has seen the list of Boris’s 102 supporters and we can confirm that they were genuine and not fabricated. We were particularly pleased to see British icons such as Harry Potter, Great Uncle Bulgaria and Fireman Sam showing their support.

Boris 2.0 will now demonstrate his integrity by going on lots of holidays, attempting to knock off a couple of barmaids at each resort and accepting lots of Russian money.

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