Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos

‘We want people to be able to make their decision unencumbered by anything too practical,’ said Kate Jones of the Politics Institute. ‘And anyway – who cares?’

Politicians for both Parties welcomed the move. ‘Thank Christ for that,’ said one Labour MP. ‘I thought we were going to have to come up with ideas.' Conservatives were equally positive: ‘Well, the few policies we’ve come up with so far have gone down about as well as a turd in a swimming pool. Which was, actually, one of our policy ideas.'

Other political parties are rumoured to exist, some of them much heavier on policy and lighter on tribalism than the main parties – but that’s probably why you haven’t heard of them.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jarmoluk-143740/

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.

‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’

Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.

Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.

Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.

Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.

Image: unsplash/Patrick Tomasso

Fire service to charge Tory party for putting out its fires

Newspapers have been reporting that ever since Rishi Sunak came to power, he’s been fighting fires within his own party, however the fire service has pointed out that Sunak is not a trained fire fighter and the reality has been that it’s the fire service that inevitably gets called in to put the fires out. As a consequence, the fire service has had to inform the government that from now on, a charge will be made for each time it gets called out to fight a Tory party fire.

Chief Fire Officer Sam Stoker said “The pressure this has put on fire services in the Westminster area has been excessive and beyond what we can reasonably cope with for the long term. It’s costing the service a fortune, particularly as the fires usually happen over evenings and weekends when we have to pay overtime to maintain a service for the rest of London.”

A fire investigations officer revealed: 'In every instance since Sunak came to power, our investigations have come to the same conclusion - there’s been far too much arson about in parliament'.

Hat-Tip: Sir Lupus

Image:Pixabay/terimakasih0