Tiverton and Honiton the new Luhansk and Donetsk

Conservative paramilitaries are preparing a 'special military operation' in the Tiverton and Honiton area following the Devon constituency’s decision to install a 'fascist Lib Dem puppet government'. Media outlets loyal to the extremist Westminster regime have screamed for justice for true Conservatives living in the area.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers removed her night vision goggles and hissed, 'It's compulsory blue passports and Imperial stormtroopers, I mean Imperial measurements all round. Let's see how many of these ungrateful remoaners still vote Lib Dem after we've Clockwork Oranged them with months of Daily Express headlines. Besides, Ed Davey doesn't suit a tight green t-shirt like Zelensky does.'

With news of another massive Tory defeat, this time in Wakefield to Labour, Carruthers grimaced, ‘Go Wokefield, go brokefield. Am I doing it right?’

Conservative Party fundraiser at V&A Museum raises enough money to overthrow the Queen

The Conservatives annual summer fundraiser party at the Victoria and Albert Museum has raised enough money to see through the abolishment of the monarchy.

Held on Monday evening, the night before the beginning of national transport strikes, some were deeply concerned that the Private Jet and Helicopter Pilots Union might stage a walkout. Fortunately, a shortage of parachutes due to a combination of severe austerity and a sharp spike in corporate bosses receiving leaving contract bonus payouts, meant that high altitude walkouts were abandoned.

A party - in both relevant senses of the word - insider confirmed, 'VIP lanes were once more opened up, and a surprising amount of money was raised. That despite Nadine Dorries offering to auction herself off. However, Jacob Rees-Mogg offered personal notes written in the blood of British orphans indicating exactly where to park offshore funds to avoid UK tax, and that was quite the donation spinner.

'In fact, so much money was raised that the Queen can now be let go. Ironically that means that her face will have to be removed from the banknotes we'll use to pay her off. You'd better get used to seeing the pretty visage of "King Boris Johnson" on your money from now on. We made enough to install him permanently.'

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/rdlaw-10461825/

'Bloody leftie woke snowflake Royal Family' scream Conservatives

Staunch Conservatives are calling the Royal Family 'bloody leftie woke snowflakes' for not being completely behind their crackpot plot to pack pro-Brit people off to Rwanda.

Larry the Downing Street cat, who is now the only thing with a mouth making any sense anywhere near central government, said, 'It's a bit weird really. These Conservatives have been banging on for a couple of centuries about how fawningly royal loyal they are, and now they're suddenly livid with the royals for not being as psychotically vicious as they would currently like.

'It's not just that. Conservatives are supposed to be the party of not changing too much and keeping things nicely in a rut. And here they are tearing up traditions, shredding their own recent agreements, and splitting up the UK quicker than you can say 'Conservative and Unionist Party'.

'And only Conservatives can be trusted with the economy? Have you seen what they've done? Again? The economy is heading south quicker than Jacob Rees-Mogg can stuff his personal wealth anywhere but Britain. Frankly, I'm profoundly ashamed to be associated with this lot in any way. They have the patriotic Union Jack waving promise of a V2 rocket.

'It's all as topsy-turvy as getting me, a cat, in for the purpose of removing rats because I'm naturally predisposed to stalking and killing them, and then finding me licking rats affectionately and leaving them little love notes.'

Image: Pixabay/Ichigo121212