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Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots


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NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.


According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.


“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”


However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”




First published 21 Oct 2023


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E Viva España as Boris takes a well-earned post-party conference break in the sunshine



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Heartening news has emerged today that the man who has his hand on the tiller of the good ship UK, PM Boris Johnson, has rewarded himself with a nice sunny break on the Costa del Sol.


A source close to the vacillating fool said: 'Well, it's been a tough stretch for the PM. Do you know he's had to don over 70 Hi Vis jackets since mid July? Yes, true. Add to that the 17,000 or more fist bumps and or handshakes he's performed in the same time; well that takes its toll too. And that's before we even consider the many furtive goosings he's helped himself to whenever opportunities were presented.


'He's completely worn out, what with running the nation with a fist of iron, and I don't think we should begrudge him a little break. He's been under the greatest pressure imaginable, indeed more so than any other British leader since Churchill.


'For a man who revels in self-promotion and craves adulation, hiding himself away from the public for lengthy periods has been difficult. Do you think he actually likes to be seen keeping his head down, or being exposed as not being on top of his brief? No, he most certainly does not. But these are difficult times we're living through and sometimes it's a simple matter of needs must.'


image pixabay/kookay




First published 13 Oct 2021


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Bankrupt Tory Party disbands and Reforms without anyone noticing

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Hard working Conservative MP for Rottenshire and Stour, Fenton Axewound, has redoubled his efforts to not bother hiding it.


Speaking patriotically from a secret tax haven location next to his offshore fund in Dubai, Axewound remarked, 'After 200 years of selflessly extracting everyone else's money and keeping it for ourselves, it turns out that wasn't a sustainable system after all. It's all jolly unfair. No one could've seen it coming. We have staunchly upheld the British value of loyalty. Loyalty to the principle of every rich man for himself, it is what has bound us all together for so long.


'Through no fault of our own, we're now somehow in far more debt than can be swept under the priceless rug at Party HQ. It just doesn't make any sense. Our MPs - good eggs the lot of them - always like to help whenever and wherever they can. They've been helping themselves to Party funds using the same honorable methods they've always applied to helping themselves from the public purse.


'I blame the Party donors. It must be their fault. Those hussies are now flirting with Reform and Labour instead of us. How could they? Our precious nanny state teats have dried up and withered away. That has forced us to shut down the Conservative Party as a legal entity, write off all the debt, and immediately open up a new completely unconnected Conservative Party with all of the same MPs but, crucially, none of the debt. Do you see how very different that is?


'It is criminal. Absolutely criminal that we have been put in this position. But here's the really clever part no one will see coming. At the critical moment, we're all going to loyally jump ship to Reform. Well, the Roubles are sloshing around there now, aren't they? We shall do our duty of each taking as much as we can for ourselves, and then Reform will have to Reform. In the end we'll just rename it the Continuity Conservatives or something, and the voters won't notice. They certainly won't remember.


'Now do excuse me. I appear to have swan stuck in my teeth.'


While failing to herd cats - Tory fat-cat MPs - into loyally jumping ship to Reform at the same time, the Opposition was gifted to the Liberal Democrats.




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