Following the debacle in Alaska and the love-in in Washington the political elders agree it's time Putin (or whichever stand-in is available) and Zelenskyy should face each other across a table. Putin suggested Moscow, which Zelenskyy declined. A counter proposal to use a neutral venue such as the Hague has received a tepid reaction from the Russian leader.
'President Putin doesn't want to hang out in the Hague,' said a Russian spokesman. 'Fake noose,' he added.
In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space Agency (UKSA), citing ‘unnecessary duplication’ with the British ability to look upwards in awe during cloudy evenings.
A government spokesman explained, “We’re not really in the business of sending people into orbit anymore. Tim Peake has already done it, and to be honest, we didn’t know what to do with him afterwards. Tim’s a lovely chap, but we can’t just keep firing him into the sky every time morale dips.”
The UKSA, established to give Britain a voice in the global space race, will now be merged into the Department for Levelling Down, which has promised to ‘repurpose any leftover rockets into affordable housing’. Critics argue that axing the agency will set back the UK’s technological ambitions by decades. In response, ministers pointed out that ‘we’ve still got a telescope in Greenwich, and if anyone wants to see the view from space, Google Earth is free’.
The government has also hinted at a new strategy: instead of launching satellites, the UK will ‘borrow Wi-Fi from France’ and rely on Elon Musk’s Starlink, provided he accepts payment in Nectar points. When asked about the broader vision for Britain’s role in space exploration, the Prime Minister was bullish: “Why aim for the Moon when you can take a coach trip to Skegness? It’s cheaper, safer, and you don’t need a spacesuit - although a raincoat is advisable.”
Meanwhile, the few remaining UKSA employees have reportedly been reassigned to monitor seagulls at Dover, in case they start looking ‘a bit too extra-terrestrial’. The Department for Levelling Down is rumoured to have considered launching rockets full of asylum seekers into orbit as a ‘two-birds-one-stone’ solution, but the idea was scrapped after Treasury officials pointed out that launching rockets costs more than housing asylum seekers in Premier Inns.
After peace talks in Yankeeland failed to interest the US President in stopping the war in Ukraine, a new initiative in offering Putin a 500” TV that he can do Zoom call on from his absurdly long desk to offer as an incentive to pull out of Ukraine is hoped might provide the diplomatic solution needed.
A second 1,000” TV to be given to Trump, has also been requested, so he can fall asleep watching golf, with reporters whispering even more quietly at crucial moments, so they don’t wake him up, is expected to help in restoring normality to the world economy.
