NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

November 2024

November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.

Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.

In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.

Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK politics

'Labour sucked all the fun out of the budget' complain Tories

Council transfers all its roads and potholes to a community trust

Another massive compo payout for the ill-informed and easily manipulated

Badenoch and Man Utd manager in race to get sacked first

US politics

Trump 'getting a few last crimes in' before election day

Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory

Monkeys will never type Shakespeare but can become President

Culture, Media and Sport

Petition to bring back 'Spangles' passes 2 million signatures

Jamie Oliver pulls children’s book after criticism for stereotyping Mockneys

Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

Devastating new side effect of Ozempic - articles about the side effects of Ozempic

Rooney quits Plymouth to take on Christmas job as store Santa

Finite number of monkeys still good for Mrs Brown's Boys scripts

Headlines - politics 

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury

Chancer of the Exchequer

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!

Headlines - professions

Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing

Headlines – entertainment

Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake

Other headlines

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated

Image credit: deep dream generator

Writing on the wall as sales of Trump 2026 kitchen calendar stall bigly

Reports emerging today suggest sales of the President Donald J  Trump 2026 Calendar are 'sluggish', seemingly, with many dyed-in-the-wool MAGA cult members unwilling to make a date with it.

Cletus Abernathy from Bona Venture Arkansas, who describes himself as a part-time, moronic and clueless village idiot, is one such devotee unwilling to part with the cool $2500 asking price.

Speaking to Fox News he said: 'Mary Lou, my good lady, done told me she wanted a copy but I refused to buy it. As a god-fearing devout Christian I could not allow her to look upon an uncensored image of the president, as depicted in July. On account of him being stripped to the waist and mudwrestling JD Vance, while Pete Hegseth, in Speedos, looks on and 25 scantily clad cheerleaders shake their pom-poms.

'I mean, you can actually see Mr Trump's fully exposed right butt cheek, and the prospect of that amorphous blob of shapeless corpulent flab hanging over me for thirty-one days, as I'm tryin' to chow down my squirrel pie, turkey gizzards and grits, did not appeal. No siree.

'So I told Mary Lou. Now see here, honey, if you want to look at something as old and petrified as Trump's ass then I'll just send off to England and get cousin Zeke to mail us the Cliff Richard one like he does every year.'

image from grok

Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police.

"That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was.

"We can be truly proud that we managed to apprehend someone within two days who wasn't actually trying to hide from us and managing not to arrest someone else instead, like Mr Ed the Talking Horse, and beating them senseless in the Charing Cross station cells."

image from google gemini