Scottish Health ministry officials today issued an urgent report highlighting the growing risks from eating uncooked Mars Bars - saying that the habit seems to have been introduced by visitors and immigrants from the south who seem to be unaware of how the Mars Bar should be prepared for consumption.
"A raw mars bar can contain up to 5 grams of saturated fat", Glasgow nutritionists confirmed, " - which is way too little for our digestive systems to cope with. Deep frying it in lard is essential to ensure the healthy goodness of the bar slides effortlessly through the stomach and is absorbed in the lower intestines."
Health experts do not want to cause a panic however and are keen to point out that when properly prepared, cooked and washed down with a can of Iron Brew, a Mars Bar is and will remain an important part of the Scottish diet - and one deep-fried Mars Bar counts as one delicious unit of your five-a-day requirement for fat-soaked carbohydrates.
(With apologies to everyone north of the border)