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Rat unimpressed that Covid survived lab conditions.

Every year, more than 100 million rodents are killed in US laboratories alone, so rats are somewhat underwhelmed by any claims made by the Coronavirus. Said one rat: ‘Surviving 28 days on a mobile phone is one thing, but can Covid-19 navigate a maze for piece of cheese?’

Other mammals are equally disappointed; remarked one rabbit: ‘I’ve got shampoo in one eye, perfume in the other and I’m being tested to see if lipstick reacts to myxomatosis – trust me, being a virus is easy. And spare a thought for Labradors, they’re literally experiencing Lab Conditions their entire life’.

Explained one cancer-ridden rodent: ‘I’ve been made to smoke fifty cigarettes a day, do you think a little virus is going to bother me?’ Despite having a hole drilled into his skull for invasive brain experiments, Malcolm the Rat was sanguine about his life expectancy:  ‘I’ve been mutilated, mutated and pumped full of methamphetamine – I’m scared of nothing. Except cats. Yeah, cats are still scary’.

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