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Charles hopeful as Queen closes Linkedin account
It has been confirmed that the ceremony was performed by the Deleter of Profiles to the Queen. [read...]
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Jizz-filled tissue appointed to House of Lords
“He’s full of the stuff”, explained an aide. “When he isn’t impregnating random women he’s spaffing it up against the wall. [read...]
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Argos catalogue to replaced with ‘Boris’ catalogue of errors’
The iconic shopping guide is to make way for a much weightier tome, covering the Prime Minister’s failings, [read...]
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Schools to serve pints
The government see the reopening of schools as a priority for children’s wellbeing, but has accepted that the only way to make this happen is for Wetherspoons to become an Academy chain and for school dinners to be replaced with four pints of lager and a couple of couple of tequila shots. [read...]
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Tea or Coffee? Government guidance to be provided
It is estimated that up to as much as 0.3% or more of productive time is lost in offices every day through dithering over whether Mavis would prefer tea or coffee. A new Government service looks set to end the dithering and get Britain cracking on. [read...]
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Praise for ‘subtle, proportionate’ Met response to non-existent black crimewave
Following overwhelming acclaim at the distressing handcuffing and arrest of a 12 year old black child sitting on his own sofa holding a bright blue toy gun, police have proudly published a list of other apparently innocent situations where heavy-handed institutionalised prejudice saved the day, [read...]
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Rules surrounding eating out while riding a bicycle to be relaxed
Health Secretary Matt Hancock has said the rules surrounding eating a burger while simultaneously riding a bicycle will be relaxed as from the start of next week. Currently there are strict guidelines governing how cyclists should engage while riding a bicycle on UK highways. [read...]
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Cyclists demand the right to weave erratically through traffic
Cyclists have expressed their disappointment at the Government’s plans for more cycle lanes to be installed in Britain’s towns and cities, as it will discourage them from being irresponsible mounted menaces. They argue that the plans will prevent them from zigzagging unpredictably between lanes of slow-moving traffic, [read...]