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Aliens to stop having sex with lone alcoholic American misfits

Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy, 2.5 million light years from the Solar System, have admitted defeat in their attempts to breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of overweight, middle-aged American men who live alone.

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No end in sight for el Corbyno media storm, warn political climatologists

BBC News watchers have been warned to expect 24 hour Owen Jones, with possible outbreaks of Russell Brand, as the El Corbyno media storm shows no sign of abating.

‘Chicken-in-a-basket’ announced as first category chosen by X-Factor viewers

Following the news that pop impressario Simon Cowell will allow X Factor viewers the choice of categories to pick for mentorship by the show’s judges, the public have picked ‘Chicken-in-a-basket’ as the first of one of four possibilities.

Thousands of migrants left stranded on transfer day

Despite the UK’s transfer window proving to be the richest ever, mainland Europe remains swamped with migrants unable to find a Premiership club. While many had hoped to be snapped up by the indiscriminate purchasing power of West Ham FC, most face the prospect of hunger, abuse or possibly playing for Stoke.

More than 160,000 people have arrived in Greece this year, all hoping to secure long term contracts with a Champions League contender. One refugee said: ‘We see Brazilians with a great free-kick fast-tracked through customs, but do they offer a shortage occupation or have an EU passport? I just need food and shelter for my family. To do this I would be happy to be on the subs bench or play in the reserves’.

Chilcot appearance on Just A Minute “longer than 45 minutes”

Sir John Chilcot’s debut appearance on Radio 4 panel show Just a Minute has received a critical mauling, after he hesitated more than any other player in the programme’s history and caused Monday evening’s edition to last fourteen hours instead of the usual thirty minutes.

The former civil servant and independent inquiry chair appeared on the panel alongside series regulars Paul Merton, Sue Perkins and former foreign secretary Jack Straw. As usual, Chilcot was asked to speak for sixty seconds without repetition, deviation or hesitation, but after an initial burst of energy (on the topic ‘the terms of this inquiry’) he rapidly dried up and dragged the proceedings out far longer than anybody else could ever have anticipated.

IS still ‘decades away’ from mastering Tetris

Despite their best attempts to demolish the Temple of Bel, the Islamic State has been unable to explode a variety of stacked geometric shapes. Although the historical city of Palmyra boasts more than 1,000 columns, 500 tombs and many coloured squares – the military group has repeatedly ‘topped out’ to the soundtrack of the ‘Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy’.

Bin Laden cassettes ‘a dangerous collection of 80s cheese’

It has been revealed today that a collection of audio cassettes seized from Osama Bin Laden’s abandoned Afghan compound, actually contain an alarming amount of 80s pop tunes.

Brett Rogers, one of the first U.S. Navy Seals to enter the compound, claimed he was alerted to Bin Laden’s whereabouts by the distant melodic tones of Salt-N-Pepa’s Push It. ‘Well the lyrics do say that “this dance ain’t for everybody, only for the sexy people” obviously I took it as a sign’.

‘Chinese financial woes made me molest goat’ claims defendant

A Gosport man who appeared in court on charges of outraging public decency, sexual assault and animal cruelty, has blamed his ‘regrettable’ behaviour on the volatility of global finance.

‘Manspread’ to replace butter

The online Oxford dictionary has added the act of ‘manspreading’ as a low-fat alternative to ‘moisturising your toast’.

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