Illuminati estate agents gloat as Crimea crisis deepens
While the world holds its breath and hopes that the current stand-off between Russia and Ukraine does not lead a wider regional conflict or even a second Cold War, the Illuminati are cackling with glee as their plans for world domination through manipulation of the London property market fall quietly into place.
‘We were getting fed up with being unable to take over the world politically, despite assassinating the Kennedys, orchestrating both Iraq wars and foiling Nadine Dorries’ attempt to win I’m A Celebrity, so we decided to strike economically instead,’ explained Grand Master Hermann von Rosencrantz. ‘I changed my name to Graham Saunders, went to work for Foxtons in Shoreditch and bided my time.’
News In Brief
Next country to be invaded by Russia during an Olympics to be named
The result of the bidding to be the next country to be invaded by Russia during an Olympics are set to be announced at a glitzy ceremony in St Tropez later today.
The competition hasn’t been as fierce as expected in the race to follow in the footsteps of Poland in 1920, Hungary in 1956, the 1968 event in Czechoslovakia and the more recent hosts Georgia and Ukraine as had been expected.
Cockroach tells of ‘terrifying ordeal’ in restaurant shooting
A cockroach took the stand today to give evidence in the trial of South African athlete Oscar Pistorius. The roach told a hushed courtroom how it lay cowering on the floor under a restaurant table while the defendant wielded a loaded gun, before firing a shot that narrowly missed the insect’s body but took off both of its rear legs.
BBC Four to target BBC Three viewers with ‘cool image’
In light of the BBC’s controversial decision to drop BBC Three from its schedules, the more conservative BBC Four have announced plans to capitalise on the decision by adopting a ‘fresher and cooler approach’ to its current offerings. The corporation’s flagship youth channel, which has introduced the world to memorable hits such as, ‘Gavin & Stacey’, ‘Little Britain’ and ‘Young, Dumb and Living Off Mum’, has an audience share of 1.5%, meaning some nine-million regular weekly viewers will soon be heading for a new channel to satisfy their entertainment needs.
‘We want a piece of that pie’, said BBC Four producer, Stephen Franklin. ‘Our current license requires us to broadcast at least 110-hours of new arts and factual programmes, so now that there’s millions of youngsters floating about with nothing to watch, we’ll just adapt our current offerings to suit a younger audience, you get me?’
Parisian waiter ‘accidentally nice’ to English family
In an unprecedented disruption of normal relations between France and Great Britain, a Paris waiter has admitted being ‘accidentally nice’ to an English family visiting Paris.
The Hatcher family from Letchworth, Herts, are still ‘in shock’ after the incident in which bistro waiter Georges Latour smiled and wished the family ‘A bientôt’ and politely thanked them for the adequate tip which had been left for him. Graham Hatcher said: ‘We were completely shocked and I could see that the children were scared and upset. The holiday had been lovely up to then, typically Parisian.
Decisive EU warning on Crimea: ‘Eurovision will be really awkward this year’
European Union leaders have made their first common statement on the Ukraine crisis, warning Russia that its actions leave them no choice but to be ‘really, really frosty’ at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.
‘The aggressive action of the Russian government towards a sovereign European state is unacceptable,’ the statement reads. ‘We are all completely in agreement that, unless the Crimea is returned to Ukrainian control, we will make things really, really awkward in the green room at this year’s Eurovision, make no mistake. We will certainly not cheer when the Russians come on, we will wave no Russian flags, and if anybody votes for them we will tut, not just firmly, but audibly.’
MOD planning ‘massive exercise’ north of Hadrian’s Wall
The Ministry of Defence is said to be drawing up plans to ‘stabilise’ Scotland in time for this year’s historic referendum. Leaked official documents have outlined a novel plan to send ‘lots of armed goodwill’ over the border, initially into friendly territory.
A squadron of the RAF regiment, two platoons of territorials, three linguists and a dog-handler from Essex are currently en-route to Carlisle in a fleet of minibuses. Meanwhile, members of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.
Police reopen King Harold murder investigation
The seaside town of Hastings is in uproar today as the police reopen the King Harold killing investigation once again. Posters have been erected on billboards all around the town appealing for witnesses to the murder over one thousand years ago.
‘It’s a waste of public money,’ said one resident, pointing out that every time the authorities rake over the ashes of the Troubles there are problems, such as reduced tourist traffic from France.
The Police Commissioner is unrepentant about reopening the enquiry, though. He pointed to the original report on the killing, the Bayeux Tapestry, and noted that as evidence it was a bit thin. ‘It’s worn at the edges, too,’ he said.
Russian invasion would infringe US/UK copyright
Prime Minister David Cameron has sent a stark warning to the Russian ambassador to London, saying that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law, could escalate tensions and would blatantly ‘pinch our idea!’. This sentiment was echoed by the Whitehouse, who claimed that ‘sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong’ is as American as ‘apple pie’, ‘type one diabetes’ and ‘high school massacres’.
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