Forensic Homeopathologist offers Police ‘alternative’ evidence, suspects
When Detective Inspector Craig King hits a dead-end with conventional investigative police-work, he knows where to turn. Forensic homeopathologist Simon Yates.
Since 1997, Simon Yates has been called in on dozens of cases to assist police with his complementary detective work, based on the centuries old techniques of homeopathology. The results speak for themselves – when modern technology has been unable to identify any suspects, Mr Yates has been able to use his unique skills to study material from a crime-scene and generate lists of suspects from which convictions can be made.
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Non-emergency phone line ‘inundated’ by time-wasting emergency calls
The new 111 non-emergency advice line has been subjected to a litany of ‘time-wasting’ emergency calls including a heart attack, a stroke and a road traffic accident.
New Hutton report confirms it was Colonel Mustard with the dagger in the Library
Lord Hutton’s latest inquiry has been published, concluding that the death of Dr Black was the fault of Colonel Mustard with the dagger in the Library and had nothing to do with the sexing-up of anything.
Classic FM Hall of Fame ‘ran out of music’
Popular classical music station Classic Fm today issued a statement confirming that it had in fact ‘run out of music’ for its Hall of Fame Top 300, and had been forced to broadcast several pieces of music over and over again.
The Hall of Fame, which is based on a scientific poll of ‘the nation’s favourite music’ was found to consist of only four pieces of music, namely ‘the Brief Encounter music’, ‘the Hovis ad’, ‘that nice one by Mozart’, and ‘Tee-tum-tee-tiddly-pom, oh I can’t remember what it’s called. It might be Elgar.’
Dumb American kids foolishly perform toe-curlingly bad show themselves
When a troupe of professional actors pulled out of doing performance of The Wizard of Oz at Robert E. Lee High School in Vicksburg, Georgia, with only two weeks notice, the perky, can-do senior kids were not dismayed – they vowed to step in and do the show themselves. Unfortunately, the results were dreadful beyond words.
Thousands die in accurate Civil War battle re-enactment
An investigation is underway after over 5,000 members of the Sealed Knot died in what’s described as an ‘all too accurate re-creation of the Battle of Naseby’. Over 20,000 people took part in the event in Northamptonshire, with another 250 spectators watching. Eyewitnesses described the scene as appalling, carnage and lacking the usual burger vans.
Noddy and Big Ears deny ‘improper relationship’
In a move that has shaken Toytown to its building block foundations, Noddy has taken the unprecedented step of releasing a statement in an attempt to quell ongoing rumours about the true nature of his relationship with Big Ears.
Senior Tory denies that he’s a Lib Dem
Foreign Secretary William Hague has today issued a statement refuting rumours that he is a secret Liberal Democrat.
‘There is no truth whatsoever in these scurrilous rumours’ he told reporters. ‘I admit that over the last few months I have regularly shared power with a number of openly Lib Dem gentlemen, but it was all perfectly innocent and above board. The allegation that I am a closet Lib Dem is utterly false.’
Blair memoir copied and pasted from student’s work
Tony Blair’s latest book, A Journey, has been revealed to be the work of a student from King’s College, London.
The announcement comes after Faizal Iqbal, a second year Chemistry and Politics student, personally delivered a copy of his 2008 novel, ”A Bush in the Hand is Worth Two in a Bird’, to the desk of Times editor, James Harding. Within hours, Mr Iqbal’s work was authenticated by leading historian, David Starkey, and top literary critic, Gok Wan. Conversely, neither expert could find anything genuine about A Journey.
‘I wish the staff and management all the best in the future, they’re all wonderful people.’
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