‘It’s probable that some areas are going to experience double digit temperatures over Christmas,’ conceded a Met Office official today. ‘We think it could be due to a warm southerly front or the new supercomputer overheating, but there is a real risk of a warm Christmas, with grey skies and light drizzle. You know, like the last 45 Christmases everywhere outside the Scottish Highlands, only a bit warmer still.’
Charities are in crisis mode as they realise that the homeless might prefer to sit outside in balmy weather rather than be fussed over by God bothering, happy-clappy do-gooders in draughty church halls. ‘We have a lake of soup to dispense on Christmas Day, now it looks like we need to find sufficient stocks of white gazpacho at a time of high demand, a real nightmare situation,’ said one charity worker.
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‘Adapted lifts with snack dispensers, paving that makes a cracking sound as we approach the roadside.’ Spears held up a pie-shaped card as a model for parking badges for the obese, apologising for the bite marks around the edge.
Sony has vowed to retaliate against the ‘unwarranted hacking’ of its computer system by North Korea by moving a battery of film reel launchers up to the 38th parallel. ‘If they think The Candidate was disrespectful, wait until we lob copies of Bad Haircut, one of Ryan Sommers Baum’s best roles,’ a spokesman said.
Former President Bill Clinton has greeted with delight the news that Americans might be allowed to import Cuban cigars legally after President Obama announced plans to normalise relations between the two countries. ‘I have had some enormous cigars in the past,’ he told the Washington Post. ‘As a young man these were totally huge. Many of my friends and colleagues will remember just how big these totally legal large cylindrical male-oriented objects were.’
The nation’s university students are said to be ‘overjoyed’ to have escaped the oppression and abject tedium of government-funded piss-ups and sexual exploration and returned home to the exciting, argument-free households of their parents for the festive season.
‘It’s not as if we don’t love our Uni friends,’ said Joe Mappin, a politics student at Edinburgh, ‘of course we do. But that doesn’t necessarily mean spending time with them is easy. It’s just too difficult to avoid drama when you put your whole friendship group in the same room. They’re at each other’s throats after the slightest comment, rehashing old arguments seemingly just out of boredom. What you want is family. They’re just up for a good, relaxed time.’
A football match between the British and German armies, which was organised to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the famous Christmas truce in the trenches in 1914, has sparked a diplomatic incident after ending in a massive brawl.
The match at British army barracks in Aldershot was played to symbolise the universal camaraderie of men over the horrors of war and was abandoned in the second half after both sets of players traded insults and blows.
After revelations that the CIA used ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’ to torture prisoners, it has emerged that British forces may have to be tortured to see if they admit to having taken part in similar practices after 9/11 and during recent Middle East wars. The army believes that, unpalatable though it is, this may be the only way to the truth.
‘If we simply ask them whether they used torture, they will say no. If we ask their prisoners if they were tortured, they will say yes,’ said Brigadier Sir John Smythe. ‘The best solution is to put both guards and prisoners in a big room, re-torture the lot of them and see if either side changes their story. The nightmare scenario is if the soldiers admit to torture and the enemy changes its tune and says they weren’t tortured after all. It’s a tortuous process, so to speak.’
Young mothers across Southern England breathed a collective sigh of relief after Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt announced that so-called ‘Here comes the big aeroplane’ spoon-feeding techniques could safely resume. This followed the shutting down of the regional air traffic control system in Hampshire, which caused feeding-time havoc in high-chairs from Penzance to Potters Bar.
Whilst it is understood that pockets of middle-class ‘work from home’ mums in and around Twickenham and Richmond set up visual monitoring systems from their extended lofts in order to continue feeding, the vast majority suspended all feeding when Mumsnet failed to provide explicit advice on what to do next.
There was fury on the Northern Line this morning as it became apparent that TfL had put pressure on the CIA to redact all reference to their continued use of EIT: Enhanced and Intolerable Transportation. Commuters in the capital have long been subjected to inhumane treatment whilst struggling to reach their destinations during the rush hour. Inmates are routinely crushed in to packed trains and forced to smell the lingering body odours of less sanitary fellow sufferers.