London commuter confesses: “I don’t know why I’m rushing”
After 30 years of hard labour at a top investment bank, city worker, Alan Baxter, has finally admitted that he no longer needs to rush on the London Underground. This painful realisation has come at the cost of 3 divorces and child support payments to 4 daughters who like Prada but refuse to acknowledge his existence.
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UK workers start planning route home in light of US blizzard
Millions of UK employees are already talking up the possibility of leaving work early, as a substantial blizzard is forecast to hit the US north-east coast later today.
Rome II behind schedule, Vatican admits
Cardinal Barry McKenzie has confirmed today that the project to build a replacement for Rome was way behind schedule, noting that ‘nobody suggested it could be achieved in a day’.
Facebook apologises after site outage causes surge in conversations
Facebook has apologised after it was taken offline by hackers today, prompting an hour of chaos in which people spoke to each other, looked out of the window or simply sat in quiet contemplation.
The social media site was disabled from 6am to 7am by cyber warrior group the Lizard Squad. Shares in cupcakes, cute kittens and mild racism immediately plummeted as a panic-stricken world wondered what the hell to do with itself.
Greece votes to change billing address
The Greek electorate has been celebrating the adoption of a national policy of ‘the cheque being in the post’ by a larger than expected margin in early elections. Winning 36% of votes counted, the Syriza Party was able to promise an end to austerity and a return to ‘hiding’ when someone knocks at the door, ‘ignoring’ letters with red font and being ‘not known at this address’.
Clearly mixed up with some other country with the same name, Greece explained to the European Central Bank (ECB) that: ‘You have the wrong number. No speekee German. And we are in the process of changing banks anyway’, although the International Monetary Fund (IMF) expressed a degree of scepticism that Greece’s accountant would be on holiday the same day that their dog ate their invoice.
Avian privacy group slams RSPB ‘mass surveillance’
Avian rights activists are demanding answers from the government today after the Guardian published tweets from an insider at the RSPB, indicating the shocking extent of directed surveillance against birds. Not content with using undercover agents known as ‘twitchers’, the shadowy protection agency may be involving members of the public, including some who are underage, poorly trained and below minimum wage.
Museums now on the look-out for loose appendage
Following the revelation that the blue and gold braided beard on the mask of the pharaoh Tutankhamun had been hurriedly glued back on after it was damaged, archaeologists and museum conservators around the world are checking for other instances of bodged conservation.
Italian conservator Luigi Boninsegna, based at Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, has given assurances that Michelangelo’s Statue of David remains intact, despite one or two female visitors remarking on the disappointing size of his manhood.
Page 3 to feature extracts from Chilcot inquiry
In a surprise U-turn, The Sun has renewed its commitment to publishing salacious images that may cause offence to decent people everywhere, including Tony Blair and George W. Bush in a series of compromising positions with Weapons of Mass Destruction. Editor David Dinsmore explained: ‘Figuratively speaking Blair and Bush were the biggest pair of tits we could find. And there are plenty more breast-related puns where that one came from, oh yes. Just keep counting.’
Merchant Ivory release back catalogue in glorious 3D
Film-lovers from all around the UK, though mostly in the Home Counties, are abuzz this week with the re-release of every single Merchant Ivory film in spellbinding 3D, including classics like A Room With A View and The Remains Of The Day.
When asked why he had gone 3D with 55 different period dramas, director James Ivory said: ‘I felt it was time to reach a younger audience, like people in their 70s. If you think another shot of Anthony Hopkins gazing wistfully out of a window onto an Edwardian lawn can’t get any more exhilarating, wait until you see it in 3D. Honestly, it feels like you could reach out and stroke his croquet balls.’
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