Now that the entire General Election revolves around glowing generalities, a cross-party committee of MPs has agreed that greater representation should be given to positive, abstract concepts. So with the last day of voter registration looming fast, all spare votes will be distributed among those impossible-to-prove beliefs such as the ‘common good’, ‘patriotism’ and ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.
News In Brief
New office protocols have been confirmed this week in which people answering emails will only have deal with the first question they read, ignoring the list of queries that need attention underneath.
The damning results of the survey which polled all users everywhere, confirm public fears that exercise and gym related ‘boasting’ is now the third most irritating status update, just behind pictures of your nauseating pets or the latest Jamie Oliver recipe you slopped onto a square plate.
Nigel Farage has vowed to shoot himself in the foot after accusing it of being ‘a socialist’. UKIP supporters were concerned when Mr Farage started addressing his left foot as ‘Michael’ and accusing it of treachery. He also addressed his right foot as ‘Margaret’, stroking it lovingly in an interview on Breakfast Time.
Children as young as five will now be given compulsory lectures on their teachers’ domestic hell as Divorce Education is made compulsory in primary schools. The move comes amid fears children are accessing material such as Don’t Tell the Bride and One Born Every Minute, as well as websites depicting couples in healthy loving relationships, and getting a skewed impression of what marriage is really like.
A trendy London hotel has won a prestigious award for the innovative design of its very pretty but utterly useless bathrooms. Described by judges as ‘a superb combination of good looks and frustrating lack of usefulness’, the Eighty Four Hotel in fashionable Bethnal Green has been awarded The Kelly Brook Prize for Beauty Without Function.
‘We are very proud to receive this recognition of our efforts to make our hotel look impressive on-line’ said the hotel proprietor, Mr Theo Whitehall. ‘Even if it is at the expense of our guests’ comfort and convenience.’
‘I had reservations at first; I don’t know much about keeping the interest rate from dipping below inflation, but weirdly it doesn’t seem to matter. If someone asks me a question I just say ‘a fair deal for honest, hard-working Britons’ or ‘I have complete faith in Mr Osborne’ and they seem satisfied with that.’
In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage.
After it was revealed earlier today that George Osborne was to pull a further £5.8 billion out of his arse to fund the subsidisation of Housing Association sales, scientists have been arguing excitedly about the incredible capacity of his colon. Having already found £8 billion for the NHS and £7 billion in tax cuts earlier in the year, it is now being said by some that Osborne’s ‘Tardis Arse’ is in fact the biggest of its kind in the western world.