BBC confirms plan to move all men’s programmes to Dave
The BBC has confirmed that it no longer intends to show programmes that appeal directly to men on BBC One or BBC Two, and will transfer any show with a glimmer of masculinity straight to rival channel ‘Dave’.
With male viewing figures falling as low as 8 during recent episodes of ‘The Voice’, the BBC hopes to free up their flagship channels for similarly uninclusive programmes.
News In Brief
Sir Alex Ferguson complains about extra time at DFS sale
‘It’s a disgrace’,fumed Ferguson. ‘The length of the sale was clearly advertised on TV. We shopped accordingly and, by the end of Sunday, we had a lovely vibrating armchair with head massage settings.’
Kate Middleton signs for ‘Disney Princesses’
She now joins Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and that Red Indian one that wasn’t really a princess but what the hey.
Daily Mail holds swearing-at ceremony for new French president
The Daily Mail has welcomed the new French president, Francois Hollande, with a lavish swearing-at ceremony to mark his first day in office.
The ceremony, attended by a host of Mail dignitaries, was held in the newspaper’s London HQ. Over a dozen figures gathered round a TV set broadcasting pictures of Mr Hollande live from the effete and decadent surroundings of the Elysee Palace, where he began his reign of left-wing terror this morning.
WWF adds Crooning Lounge Lizard to endangered species list
The World Wildlife Fund for Nature has announced that it is adding the Crooning Lounge Lizard to its list of endangered species.
It was once numerous, with famous specimens such the Crosby, Sinatra or Davis Jr seemingly being found everywhere. However, time has seen a number of these elder Lounge Lizards die out, with natural habitats being destroyed little focus on conservation, leaving their numbers dangerously low.
‘Fussy’ dung beetles refusing to eat shit any more
‘My mum keeps on how there’s so many different kinds of shit,’ said an Onthophagus gazella in Kenya’s Masai Mara. ‘Lion shit, zebra shit, elephant shit, rhino shit … well I don’t care, it’s all basically shit. Why should I put up with this shit because everyone else did? It’s just like Nazi Germany. I imagine.’
Empire switches mobile contract to O2 amid Jedi bias allegations
Darth Vader the Dark Lord of the Sith today confirmed that the Imperial Empire have decided to switch their mobile operator from Vodafone to O2 after the company showed allegiance to the Jedi with a series of marketing campaigns and a special Jedi Tariff that includes 500 Cross Galaxy minutes.
New microfibre-semtex hybrid ‘makes incendiary pantyline less visible’
A new to-die-for range of incendiary panty line brief bombs threatens to fly off the shelves at outlets of the Taliban’s favourite shop, Martyrs and Spinsters.
The range of exploding underwear, a mixture of Semtex and wearable microfibres, promises to lift and separate martyrs like never before. ‘With these pants your buttocks will end up in different post codes,’ says one designer who worked on the new range, ‘and you’ll be lifted into paradise in no time.’
Bin Laden papers show a man ‘persuaded that America is best’
Newly released papers from Osama Bin Laden’s hideout reveal a leader living in fear of the ‘mad skillz’ of the US Navy SEALs and struggling to control an unruly network, the US military says.
More than 6,000 documents were seized during the Abbottabad raid in which Bin Laden was killed, and the 17 that have been released include a detailed description of Bin Laden’s thoughts before, during and after the raid.
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