Middle-aged bachelor ‘in with a shot’ after Kate Winslet split
A 47 year-old Dudley singleton has received a ’shot in the arm’ to his dreams of finding love, after it was announced that glamorous actress Kate Winslet is to split from her husband, director Sam Mendes.
Double glazing salesman Nigel Trudd claims that, while he has every sympathy for Ms. Winslet’s family, news of the split couldn’t have come at a better time. ‘I was beginning to lose hope about ever marrying a Hollywood starlet to be honest…’
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Low voter turnout could mean shock election win for Apathy Party
‘In the last General Election 39% of the electorate didn’t vote,’ said Apathist leader, Kevin Dullard, ‘if that figure were translated into parliamentary seats we could win an overall majority. Not that we would bother to turn up of course.’
Chief Medical Officer told to ‘Fuck right off’ by tired people
Britain’s Chief Medical Officer, Sir Liam Donaldson was today told to ‘do one’ by thousands of tired, overworked people.
Achilles forced to pull out of Trojan War
‘I am absolutely gutted,’ said the Greek hero of myth and legend, ‘I was really looking forward to representing my country and now this.’
Fallen hero Beckham to fly into Wootton Bassett for public tribute
David Beckham will be driven through the streets of the Wiltshire town this afternoon in what is expected to be an outpouring of public grief after his tragic achilles tendon injury ruled him out of the World Cup. Thousands are expected to line the route in appreciation of all he’s done for his country.
Leaders’ Wives fight for attentions of ‘Milfing Man’
‘The British electorate have a very important decision to make,’ said Samantha Cameron, ‘which one of us would you most like to sleep with?’
Speaking on Milfsnet.com all three leaders’ wives pitched their wares. Sarah Brown said: ‘My husband is more than happy that I am offering myself to the nation although anyone wishing to sleep with me will have to pass Gordon’s five conditions for entry.’
Torch bearing mob angry that prime minister could be given new identity
Britain’s torch bearing mob community is up in arms after word went around that the UK’s prime minister was given a new identity after the Gulf War, and may be given a new one again in May.
‘Who is the prime minister anyway?’ said the leader of the mob. ‘I don’t give a monkey’s. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this – if the bastard came into our pub, he’d get his head kicked in.’
Hull City to use suicide strikers against big clubs
Phil Brown, manager of struggling Hull City, is considering using suicide strikers in the club’s forthcoming fixture at home to Arsenal. ‘We beat them last season,’ said Brown, ‘but to be honest we were lucky. They say they’re tired from too many matches, but they could field their reserve side and still beat us.’
‘We’ve got lads who would die for Hull City,’ said Brown. ‘So I propose to take advantage of that loyalty. The first time we get a free kick within striking range, we put one of the lads in their defensive wall, and ‘kaboom!’
Amy Williams honoured with royal ‘Would’
Winter Olympic gold medallist, Amy Williams, is to receive the first of what’s expected to be many honours, after Prince Harry awarded the shapely Bob Skeleton rider a royal ‘would’ this morning.
As a consequence of being the only Briton to medal at the Vancouver games last month, the 27-year-old from Bath has been widely tipped as a shoo-in for a Damehood in June, when the Queen’s Birthday Honours List is announced. Some have even predicted that Miss Williams will lift the much coveted BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2010. However, Prince Harry’s bestowal of the royal ‘would’ has come as a complete surprise to most pundits, primarily because the honour didn’t actually exist until today. The closest award on record is when swimming star Rebecca Adlington was awarded a Royal ‘Wouldn’t’.
‘The toilet label is one objective pronoun too far.’ 
