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Facebook offers fully automated profiles for morons

for the discerning social media slovenFacebook is set to offer fully automated profiles by the end of next year. Users who lack the will to update their status in person at odd intervals will be able to pre-select a lifetime’s worth of status updates that will automatically be posted to their profiles. The company has developed the technology after realising that most users’ status updates read like a stream of thought from a person leading a highly uneventful life.

‘If you pick a Facebook profile at random you’ll notice that it is either a load of stupefying banalities or outright lies. This is because most people have really dull lives and/or they are too dreary to say anything interesting anyway,’ a spokesman for the office of Mark Zuckerberg explained. ‘So we thought most people would see no difference between their mates posting the same old crap and a computer doing it on their behalf.’

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85-year-old greengrocer named as Jihadi John

Friends and neighbours in the Ealing were surprised today to find out that former greengrocer Albert Thomas, 85, was the ruthless ISIS executioner ‘Jihadi John’. ‘He was a quiet bloke,’ said one, ‘Not really the type you would expect to decapitate hostages in cold blood, video it and then broadcast pictures around the world.’

Boris Nemtsov committed suicide, no really

‘All the evidence, including eyewitness reports from persons, some of whom were at the incident, is that Mr Nemtsov repeatedly threw himself in front of bullets. As far as we can tell, there was nothing anyone could do.’

Green Party to use ‘brain fade’ technique to develop all policies

but what about ebola pairs?Flushed with pride at a string of positive comments from members of her party after her ‘brain fade’ moment on TV, Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party, has now asked her colleagues to come up with yet more ‘creative and exciting’ policies by adopting the technique. Members of the party’s executive will spend next week taking cold remedies and hitting each other with cricket bats to induce ‘brain fade’ ahead of the launch of its election manifesto next month.

Fears of unintentional racism as Apple launches line of ethnically diverse emoji

*embarrassed*Industry experts predict a sharp increase in the number of mobile phone users choosing voice calls over text messages for fear of being branded a horrible racist following Apple’s unveiling of a new line of ethnically diverse emoji.

Harvard study confirms ‘Blowin’ in the wind’ is totally ineffective

D'uh, idiot wind!A Harvard University study has challenged the mythical status of Bob Dylan by questioning the singer-songwriter’s key assertion that there are many situations in life where ‘the answer is blowin in the wind’. This claim had never been formally tested, but thanks to a definitive final year Media Studies project at Harvard, spearheaded by Emeritus Professor Hyaz Akite, the theory may be finally laid to rest.

David Tredinnick MP: ‘The NHS can be rescued by rubbing a big crystal on it’

cures cancer as well, apparentlyTory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick. “We also know that these individuals are not only at risk of developing malignant disease, but that they are also prone to contracting pubic crabs, so we will advise these individuals to pair up with Virgos, who almost never develop this condition’.

BBC lose Operation Yewtree franchise to Sky

In a day of frantic bidding, Sky has won exclusive rights to Operation Yewtree raids, wresting control from the BBC. The move has won especial approval from the South Yorkshire Police Commissioner, who stated that his officers ‘were looking forward to working closely with Sky.’

In a separate statement officers from Operation Yewtree praised the BBC for its ‘unstinting professionalism’ and insisted that most Yewtree officers would ‘probably continue to purchase a TV Licence.’

Greece applies for a student loan

largin' it!Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis fears that an EU bailout extension may not cover the cost of his dream to study Media at university. Although his country’s debt is running at 175% of GDP, a spokesman for Mr Varoufakis said he is also keen to fund three years of film watching, the opportunity to swim in a fountain and to ‘put a traffic cone on local statue’.

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