It survived the French invasion of 1545 and even the influx of five Polish would-be migrant workers, who were eventually seized and burned at the stake in Freshwater in 2009. Now, however, the pristine coastline of the Isle of Wight is facing its most deadly menace ever after an estimated 500,000 barrels of utterly appalling crap from charity shops leaked from an underground bunker near Portsmouth into the Solent.
News In Brief
Eyebrows were raised when it became clear that the new Secretary of State for Education Nicky Morgan, her Ministers and all the parliamentary under-secretaries were privately educated and thus have no knowledge of the state sector beyond seeing the occasional episode of Waterloo Road.
‘I haven’t been able to sleep since these allegations started. What will my family think of me? I can’t leave my own home – kids have painted ‘MP scum’ on my front door.
Against the backdrop of a geo-political tsunami, William Jefferson Hague has announced his decision to resign as the UK’s Foreign Secretary, retire as an MP next election and focus on building a ‘start-of-the-art Anderson shelter’ in his back garden.
‘Trevor promised me years ago that he’d given up the loss adjusting game for good but when Clive turned up I knew that he wouldn’t be able to resist one last job’ sobbed Angie. ‘Clive told him it was a big one – a bank on the King’s Road. It was fire and water damage he said, just like the old days. He wanted Trevor because he was experienced and he needed a cool head, not some cocky kid still wet behind the ears.’
Viewers of a DIY makeover show were left a little bemused last night as they watched the transformation of a house occupied by a normal healthy family. John Thompson, 49, and his wife Debra and two children were the lucky recipients of some fairly costly renovations to their ‘tired-looking’ home.
‘The producers asked me on arrival if I’d lost a child recently or if any of them were terminally ill, or disabled, or had Down Syndrome, spina bifida, meningitis, leukaemia, eating disorders, a colostomy bag or were being bullied or just ugly. My boy had tonsilitis a few years back but other than that everyone is fine,’ said Mr Thompson.
‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’
Each summer they have returned to the turf of Wembley Stadium to commemorate the heroes who gave so much for so many, and reminisce about the day that became etched on our collective consciousness for so many decades.
Buckingham Palace has issued an Emergency Recall Notice on dozens of honours – including top-of-the-range knighthoods – over concerns that some were issued in error and may constitute a public health risk.
‘Our first priority is public safety’, said a spokesman. ‘This is purely a precautionary measure, and the vast majority of honours are perfectly harmless. For example, if you received an honour for doing something unglamorous and noble, the risks are infinitesimally small.’