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Escape to the Country in social media storm
St John and Clarissa Thorpe-Walmsley, a couple from The Cotswolds, have set a staggering new budget record of £7.9 million pounds after appearing on the BBC’s Escape to the Country relocation show. [read...]
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Man unwittingly ushers in spring by eating the last of the Christmas Twiglets
Unlikely wizard Dave Brown has this week prompted the regeneration of plant life, the birth of lambs, [read...]
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Delayed trains now to be described as ‘fashionably late’
To completely not tackle the scourge of train delays, the railway watchdog will now say trains are just ‘fashionably late,’ as if they’re rocking up to a house party rather than causing major upheaval for millions of commuters. [read...]
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People’s vote only for people who can pronounce “quinoa”
A leaked government memo, written in preparation for a possible second ballot, aka a “people’s vote” on leaving the EU, has identified a number of measures that might help ensure the right result. Codenamed Operation The Will Of The (Right Sort Of) People, [read...]
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Devizes man looking forward to not voting again
Devizes resident Terry Fishwick, 56, has revealed how he much he is looking forward to not bothering to vote again now that his Brexit dream looks like coming to fruition. ‘I’d never voted for anything before in my life’, [read...]
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Success, as 3 million of the 16 million original remainers still support remain
The ‘Cancel Brexit’ petition has passed 3m signatures in less than 48 hours, which is amazing. Particularly as ‘Vote Remain’ passed 16 million in 24 hours. At this rate ‘Cancel Brexit’ will achieve less than a quarter of the support, [read...]
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Barista applies for tax exemption for ‘performing a persona’ at work
Barista Tracey Collins, 23, from Droitwich, is looking forward to a life without having to pay tax after she realised that, just like TV host Lorraine Kelly, she too has to ‘put on a persona’ to do her job. [read...]
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Shit Creek paddle company ‘liquidated’
The company which supplies paddles that help rescue canoers and others from difficult situations which cause a public stink has ceased trading after reporting ‘turdulent marketing conditions.’ SCPC’s CEO Derek Smythe told reporters ‘Given recent events over the past year we expected much higher demand for our product than was actually realised, [read...]