Two members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.
Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.
News In Brief
A new survey by The Office Gossip, in conjunction with the Sidekick and verified by The Enabler, has found strong evidence that everyone hates you.
A swan has broken the arm of 7-year-old Peter Blakerton, who had got too close to the bird despite being repeatedly warned about the potential consequences.
Since the sudden death last week of Vulgaria’s much revered celebrity, The Child Catcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), national mourning has turned to disbelief as newspapers have been inundated with revelations of serial child cruelty, sadism and even abduction.
‘We all thought the giant butterfly net to be just a cheeky affectation’, a villager said. ‘You would see him riding out of town with a new child harvest in the back of his wagon. Nobody minded because he was in showbiz.’
A Scotland Yard spokesman said the sting operation successfully thwarted their plans to ‘raise British standards by removing all those who could not construct a proper sentence, transporting them to Gloucestershire and placing them in camps where they could improve their concentration.’
The widely reported perception of ISIS as ‘more sophisticated than your average Jihadi movement’ received a further boost today with the so-called ‘Islamic Caliphate’ opening its first effigy superstore in Mosul under the ‘Effigy Warehouse’ brand.
Over fifty prospective images for a planned 2015 calendar were discovered on hard-drives and mobile phone devices during the dawn bust, some of which have already been classed as ‘Category A’ and ‘totally gross’.
In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.
Islamic State, the militant Islamist group formerly known as ISIS, is celebrating the news that it has officially overtaken Nazi Germany as the standard comparative device for evil used on internet discussion forums.