![(FILES) A picture taken 03 October 2006 shows a man smoking at a bar in the northern French town of Lille. Eleven months after smoking was outlawed in France in workplaces, schools, hospitals and shops, the ban is to be extended to cafes, bars and nightclubs on 01 January 2008 with the French government warning that there will be no exemptions. AFP PHOTO FILES / PHILIPPE HUGUEN (Photo credit should read PHILIPPE HUGUEN/AFP/Getty Images) (Newscom TagID: afpphotos2688713) [Photo via Newscom]](http://www.newsbiscuit.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/smoking-bar-nc.jpg)
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Country pubs to re-introduce smoking to mask odour of smelly dogs
Rural inns are to be allowed to defy the smoking ban following complaints that the smell of cigarettes is better than the foul stench of customers’ damp dogs. [read...]
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Money goes for early hibernation
With interest rates rising and sphincter’s tightening, the UK’s wealth has decided to retreat to the nearest nesting box or Swiss bank account. [read...]
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‘You’ll never pack as quick as I scan’ confirms checkout cashier
A supermarket checkout cashier is much quicker at scanning items through the electronic point of sale technology than you could ever hope to pack them, [read...]
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Brexit the Musical
It has emerged that a surprise last minute item had been added to the Salzburg Brexit negotiations by the British Delegation that saw Theresa May, Cabinet Ministers and backbenchers perform a short mini-musical called The Sound of Brexit. [read...]
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Tesco unveil ‘Jack in the Box’ budget funeral service
Tesco supermarket has announced it will go into direct competition with Cooperative Funerals in a bid to corner the market in dead people. Tesco plan to follow the basic principle of ‘Stack ‘em high and sell ‘em cheap’ and will bury people in their car parks. [read...]
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BMW to close Mini factory for replacement of robots with street urchins
In the event of a no-deal Brexit BMW are preparing to close their Mini plant in Oxford for one month to remove production line robots and convert to vehicle assembly by street urchins. The plant normally closes for a period every summer for maintenance, [read...]
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Sting freed from six-way sexual entanglement with nest of squirrels
A highly-specialised medical team in Wisconsin has successfully freed Sting and a group of randy squirrels from a potentially dangerous love-clinch. Surgeon Brad Thompson explained, ‘After three weeks of round-the-clock fornication the squirrels’ bushy tails and Sting’s nether regions had become quite matted and formed a Gordian knot.’ So named after The Police frontman’s unusual… [read...]
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Man who faked death to cancel gym membership to be sentenced today
A penitent Lee Ormsby, 41, of Chingford expressed remorse in court and says he now accepts that “gym membership is for life and only God has the power to stop those direct debit payments of £120 a month plus locker fees”. [read...]