Mervyn King to accompany PM everywhere and contradict him in real-time
With strong support from the CBI, the OECD, IMF, World Bank and heads of the G20 nations, Mervyn King will shortly be appearing next to Gordon Brown everywhere he goes and pointing out on the spot when the Prime Minister says something that might be just ‘a teensy bit wrong’. Armed with his own assessments from the Bank of England and detailed analyses and forecasts from the other agencies, Mr King will be able to swiftly put the record straight when the PM says something daft like ‘we can just print all the money we want’.
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Teachers to be made to take PE lessons in their underwear
Under new government proposals, newly qualified teachers face the prospect of taking PE lessons in their underwear if they fail to provide a valid excuse for not bringing their PE kit to school.
Newspaper with mistake fetches £250k at auction
A rare copy of The Guardian containing a printing error fetched a record £250,000 at auction yesterday. Some 20,000 copies of the paper were printed in 1992 before the mistake was noticed. Most of the defective copies were immediately pulped but a small number found their way into the hands of collectors.
Fat people ‘not that funny’ says obesity expert
Overweight celebrities such as Gavin and Stacey star James Corden are perpetuating the stereotype that all fat people are funny, a medical expert is warning. Professor Nicholas McKay of Nuffield Health says fat stars are seen as role models, helping to make it acceptable to think that obesity is linked to humour.
But a survey for the healthcare provider has now revealed that many obese people are not actually that funny.
Home Information Pack failed to mention demonic infestation
The government’s much criticised Home Information Packs, or HIPs, have come under renewed attack after it emerged that home owners are not obliged to divulge information regarding supernatural phenomena. A number of first time buyers have complained that they have purchased homes unaware of problems such as diabolic apparitions outside the upstairs window at midnight, the doors of kitchen cupboards flying open and closed to the sound of Karl Orff’s Carmina Burana and the rather poky and damp cellar being replaced by a flaming portal to the depths of hell. ‘I’m sure we would have remembered that if the estate agent had mentioned it’ said one distraught home-owner.
Tedious scientists hail uninspiring mouse genome breakthrough
Scientists have admitted that they are ‘deflated and disappointed’ after four years’ dull work to sequence the mouse genome came to boring fruition this week.
British and Swiss geneticists had spent £8m on the pointless project and unveiled the complicated and unintelligible results at a stilted press conference in Geneva on Tuesday. But it soon became apparent that none of the journalists present neither knew nor cared what the mouse genome was, nor what it was for.
Conspiracy theorists hold emergency summit over death of Michael Jackson
Fearing that shadowy official sources would once again attempt to misdirect a gullible public on the true circumstances surrounding the ‘supposed’ death of a major international figure with the release of supposed ‘facts’ from emergency services calls and secret hospital autopsies, conspiracy theorists from around the world met to hammer out a Common Unified Conspiracy Theory over the death of Michael Jackson.
Gap year student discovered at Gatwick North Terminal after 10 months
A gap year student who left home to gain experience and develop initiative has been found at Gatwick North Terminal ten months after he set off to see the world.
Bryn Goodyear, nicknamed ‘Buzz Gapyear’ by his sceptical friends has been reunited with his family in Reading today after leaving home last August. He had been told by his parents that they would help him with planning and financing a gap year if he would first get a job and come up with a few suggestions, but in response to such intense pressure he left home and took the National Express coach to Gatwick. Having spent all his money he took a cleaning job, but with the cost of his lodgings and going out with the lads in Crawley every weekend, he never saved enough for his trip.
Wrapping children in cotton wool is actually ‘effective in reducing injuries’, claim experts
‘For a long time the practice of wrapping one’s offspring in cotton wool has had a bad reputation, with many believing it to be in some way damaging to the children,’ explained Brian Thigh, Professor of Medicine at the University of Hull. ‘However, recent tests have shown that the opposite is true.’
‘In a rigorous series of experiments, we have dropped children from heights, shot them from cannons and allowed anvils to fall on them, and we can now say without doubt that the subjects wrapped in cotton wool fared far better than a control group without such wrapping.’
‘Other passengers were reading papers and looking out of the window, but I paid attention’ 
