Fire Service needs Transformers, concludes independent report
Fire and rescue services would be much better if staffed by ultra-powered giant robots, according to an independent review commissioned by the Government.
Following seven months of careful research into the best way to deliver an efficient and effective fire service, inquiry chair Sir Ken Knight has said that flying robots with lasers and freeze-rays were likely to be more effective than the puffed-out, heavy-drinking, under-paid schmucks we currently rely on to save our bacon when we fall asleep in front of Corrie with a fag in our hand.
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Plain cigarette packaging ‘will revolutionise back-of-fag-packet planning’, claims Cameron
David Cameron has today confirmed that plans for plain cigarette packaging will be reinstated, in an attempt to improve the quality of Conservative party policies.
‘Sod the health of the nation,’ he blustered. ‘This is about ensuring that our primary planning tool has the capacity we need.’
Walking Through Storm Holding Head up High causes surge in Liverpool personal injury claims
The Met Office today reiterated its warning that holding your head up high when you walk through a storm is ‘bad advice’, as Liverpool Football Club faces compensation claims from tens of fans for chapped ears, stinging eyes, and destroyed hairdos.
Social workers to be fast-tracked to a nervous breakdown
Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
The ‘Frontline’ scheme aims to attract top graduates into the profession and sap their energy and morale without the need for years of bureaucracy, media hostility, reorganisations and expensive underresourcing strategies by local councils.
New ‘Total Paunch’ magazine a huge hit with men
The magazine publishing industry has enjoyed a huge resurgence in sales following the launch of the latest health magazine for British men, Total Paunch.
The success has resulted in publishers Northern & Shell committing to higher print runs and wider distribution, especially in the Midlands and North East where figures have shown a substantial increase.
One avid reader, Phil Mevoid from Hull, said, ‘I got sick of looking at handsome young guys with six packs smiling down from the shelves at W H Smith and getting nudged in the side by the missus. So I bought myself a copy of Paunch and I haven’t looked back. The features on ‘low definition abs’ and ‘ten steps towards guaranteed sex after ten pints of lager’ have literally changed my life and I’ll be even happier after the divorce and the court case are over.’
Google Glasses ‘would have detected Savile’
Countering claims that the latest technology from Google will only further invade people’s privacy, the company has declared that their innovative, interactive ‘Glass’ spectacles are so brilliant they could have helped police in identifying celebratory perverts.
While originally designed to recognise historic landmarks, the new glasses also come loaded with secret, pre-programmed face and iris recognition and behavioural analysis tools as standard. Google chief executive, Eric Schmidt, explained that the new technology would finally help the public look into the souls of, say, Ant and Dec, tell you what they’re like and really help in telling them apart. ‘Yes they look like Geordie hobbits, but which is which? And what are they up to? These glasses will finally let you know.’
Latest Dan Brown novel published in ‘straight to car boot sale’ format
In a move set to revolutionise the publishing industry, Random House has confirmed that the new Dan Brown novel Inferno is to be launched exclusively in a new ‘straight to car boot sale’ format.
‘A 50p (75 euro) paperback that looks like it’s been read in a hurry by someone hiding it in a plastic bag is the obvious medium through which to disseminate Mr Brown’s work,’ explained Neil Cunliffe, president of Random House publishers, flanked at the press conference by a Hessian-clad albino bodyguard and a troubled-looking French Egyptologist in her early thirties.
Mexican standoff at Weston-super-Mare roundabout reaches third day
The drivers of three Nissan Micras who have all been giving way to each other at a mini-roundabout in Weston-Super-Mare have been given emergency rations by concerned locals as their stand-off passes the three day mark.
The three vehicles all reached the mini-roundabout from different directions at the same time on Friday afternoon, and all gave way to each other. ‘I can’t go until the car approaching the roundabout from my right has cleared the junction,’ explained one of the drivers, 92-year-old Arnold Jenkins, ‘but she can’t go until the car coming from her right has gone, and he can’t go until I’ve gone. I think we’re going to be stuck here forever, and I’m running low on boiled sweets.’
Elderly ‘can’t wait’ to house prisoners under new government scheme
Convicted murderers, sex offenders, and terrorists will be used as ‘live in’ companions to help out retirees under a radical new homestay scheme starting next month.
Every pensioner with a spare room is being urged to sign up for the ‘Adopt-A-Con’ programme with hosts being paid up to £50 a week for each life sentence prisoner they house in return for providing food and board.
Superhero was ‘visibly exhausted’ 
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