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‘Despacito’ means ‘sunburnt British twat’ in Spanish
The song ‘Despacito’ is about fat British men abroad with incredibly bad sunburn. Last week’s UK number one, [read...]
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Davis got everything he wants out of EU, so nurr
David ‘Chavschool’ Davis has boasted that his first time away from home since his Uncle Norman used to look after him was ‘brilliant’ and, [read...]
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David Dimbleby to retrain as primary school teacher
After 30 years of persuading politicians to sit still and stop interrupting one another on Question Time, [read...]
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Leprechauns vow to defend magic money trees
While austerity continues to bite across the UK, the Conservatives have unveiled plans to release previously unspent cash known to be hidden in trees, rainbows, waterfalls and other supernatural dwellings, to invest in public services and infrastructure in Northern Ireland, [read...]
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Theresa May wows Glastonbury with her face painting
While Jeremy Corbyn pandered to youngsters at the Glastonbury Festival with his vision of hope and love, the Prime Minister Theresa May nailed the John Peel Stage with her avant-garde bukkake madrigal and balloon animals, [read...]
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Ninjas to be trained in stealth by parcel delivery guys
A troop of British parcel delivery men has been sent to Japan to train their ninjas in the art of approaching buildings without being detected. Japan’s ninjas are renowned for their stealth and their silent killing techniques. [read...]
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New Kens released in order to keep up with Barbie’s sexual appetite
Not satisfied with just one Ken, it has been revealed that it was Barbie who demanded that Mattel release 15 new Kens, all at the same time, in order to satisfy her needs in the bedroom. [read...]
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Daily Mail distances itself from Daily Mail
In a remarkable act of contortion and sophistry, The Daily Mail has taken the extraordinary step of disavowing all knowledge of Katie Hopkins, Mail Online and the whereabouts of the last horcrux. While both part of DMG Media, [read...]