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Militant Christian bakers capture Brighton, destroy historical gay sites

hundreds and thousands on the marchReports are coming in from the southern province of East Sussex that a fundamentalist force of Christian bakers, cake decorators and cream fillers have worked themselves up into an extreme state and seized control of Britain’s ancient gay capital, Brighton, vowing to destroy every remnant of it.

Several sites of special sexual interest have already been bulldozed, including the Pink Moustache gay bar, Glitterballs nightclub and the Pumping Muscle gym – you know, the one that Geoff stopped going to because he kept finding empty lube bottles in the changing room, but now he’s worried he might be an awful bigot just like his dad.

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Seven countries to watch out for at Eurovision this year

saving the wurst till last

Austria
Following drag queen Conchita Wurst’s sensational victory last year Austria have opted for more traditional Eurovision fare this time around. Singer-songwriter Lena Weber’s melodic ballad ‘Grossvater’ is an affectionate homage to her grandfather who was, Lena tells us, a kindly Tyrolean dairy farmer, loyal family man and former camp commandant at Buchenwald.

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Turkeys consider ending ties with Christmas

The leader of the Turkeys Union for Christmas (TUC), Cluck McCluskey, has said his union is considering ending its ties with Christmas. The Grand Old Bird Brain Leader, or ‘Gobbler’ as the leader of the TUC is known, had previously hinted that he would encourage his members to down feathers

Home-brewed morphine to replace Saturday night TV

Health Officials warned about the dangers of overdosing on morphine, but admitted that it is no worse than Britain’s Got Talent and a far more reliable form of pain relief than watching Come Dine With Me. It can also be taken in table form, whereas Big Brother only works as a suppository.

Old woman in bus queue fails to disclose her age

there's nothing grander than a nice day outAn elderly woman in Beaconsfield who spent twenty minutes in a bus queue failed to disclose her age, despite several opportunities. People waiting for the number 39 circular were left stunned when their fellow passenger mounted the bus, having only complained about the weather, the price of digestive biscuits and the youth of today.

Labour to show business-friendly credentials by snorting cocaine

Labour's only remaining option to get its confidence backStung by the revelation that its election campaign did not understand the worlds of enterprise and high finance, the contenders for the party leadership have vowed to prove their business credentials. This will start next week, with Yvette Cooper offering her naked buttocks as a cocaine-cruet for Andy Burnham.

‘In hindsight, our campaign lacked the energy that business-minded people can bring to the party,’ said Burnham, announcing the snorting programme. ‘We have overlooked the kind of people who aspire to prosperity, wealth and reckless behaviour involving snorting Class A drugs from leadership contenders’ naked flesh.’

Scotland invited to make its bloody mind up

there'll be a gloaming in their roamingsEngland, Wales and Northern Ireland, the other three constituent parts of the Divided Kingdom, have come together to ask Scotland if it wouldn’t mind pouring itself a nice glass of Irn-Bru and sorting its head out once and for all. This follows a referendum last year in which Scotland voted strongly against independence and a general election earlier this month in which it voted overwhelmingly for a party whose sole purpose is to secure independence.

Dozens feared inconvenienced as bikers clash outside Isle of Wight cafe

mods and rocking chairsPolice were called to the Blue Rinse Cafe on the seafront at Shanklin, Isle of Wight, yesterday to deal with an outbreak of the type of violence not seen since the mid-1960s. The trouble is understood to have erupted when a gang on mobility scooters aggressively took the last parking spaces. The number of those mildly put out is put at nine, but may rise.

Giant Thatcher statue to ‘make Scotland British again’

yes, yes, yesDavid Cameron has revealed government proposals designed to ‘make Scotland British again’, beginning with the erection of a massive monument to Baroness Thatcher in Glasgow’s George Square.

Press decide to harass Chuka Umunna and family anyway

what's 'e got to 'ide, eh?The British media is to continue its unwarranted intrusion into the lives of Chuka Umunna and his friends and family even though the MP has withdrawn his bid to become Labour leader.

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