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Government to crack down on poncey names
A leaked memo has revealed Registrars have been instructed to disallow parents naming their children ‘poncey’ names after 2020. [read...]
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‘It hurts our feelings when you use bags from other shops,’ till staff say
Supermarket checkout workers have urged shoppers to stop using bags for life from other stores as they find it too upsetting. [read...]
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Sultans of Swing arrested for blowing dixie
The Sultans of Swing, a group of balding dads with ponytails, have disbanded after their lead trumpeter was arrested by police for ‘blowing Dixie live on stage’ [read...]
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Royal foetus declared loveliest ever by press
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s unborn baby has been universally hailed by they world’s press as a ‘gestation-stage royal fit for the modern age’. The prenatal organism has been particularly praised for its skilful handling of the difficult move from pre- to post-embryonic stages while in the full glare of the world’s media, [read...]
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Rees-Mogg suggests EU joins UK
Colonial throwback and prince among thieves Jacob Rees-Mogg has suggested that any Brexit border issues can so easily be resolved if every nation state within the European Union would simply agree to become part of the recently renamed United Kingdom of Great Britain and North East Somerset. [read...]
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Judges’ pay to be decided by premium line phone vote
A public consultation is to take place regarding pay rises for senior judges in England and Wales to bring earnings in line with talent show judges. The move addresses low morale among judges stemming from dissatisfaction of pay and conditions in comparison with their celebrity cousins. [read...]
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Hard hitting Countryfile special to feature Matt chainsawing a pig, confirm Beeb
The BBC have confirmed that next weeks edition of Countryfile will come from an unlicensed abattoir in mid Devon. The producer of the show has said it is an opportunity to highlight the other side of life in the Shires, [read...]
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GPs to be replaced by vending machines
For as little as 20p patients will soon be able to shove their head, limb, or genitals into a hole and have a vending machine assess a range of medical conditions. In a bold move to address the crisis in GP services, [read...]