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The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn't speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.


'The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid' he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. 'Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o'clock.'


Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.


'We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU' he told reporters. 'Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say 'Ce n'est pas possible.' And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say 'Je ne comprends pas!'


'In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.'

A woman has been left deeply depressed after discovering her close friend has successfully complete a marathon.


Emma, 34, was eating biscuits and watching Netflix when the news came in: 'I knew she was planning to run a marathon for charity and I went along with it, donating a tenner and sending motivational messages like 'you got this!' and 'you're going to smash it!' but I didn't for a minute believe she would actually complete it. My stomach dropped through the floor when I saw a picture of her on Facebook, standing on the finishing line, holding her medal. I zoomed in to try and spot her tears of misery but she looked genuinely happy. I was sick to my stomach - which may just have been too many biscuits to be fair.


How dare she do this to me, all I want is to eat junk food and sit on my arse without someone rubbing their sporting success in my face. What a bitch.


I replied to her post with 'Wow that's amazing, I am so proud of you' and lots of thumbs up emojis before having a good cry over how utterly selfish and thoughtless she is'.


Emma has heard another friend of hers is planning to do an Iron Man and has her fingers crossed for a spectacular failure to dig her out of her pit of despair.

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