London resolves lack of floating swimming pools before removing lethal cladding

Survivors of the Grenfell fire were grateful to see that £1 million has been spent on helping rich people pretend to float in a cloud rather than finding justice. Instead of wasting money to frivolously stop families burn to death, wealthy residents have prioritized acrophobia in a bikini.

The ‘Sky Pool’ is 115ft above the ground and miles above your lifestyle. It has a glass bottom, which has more transparency than the Grenfell enquiry. Also, when filled with water, the pool is substantially more fire-resistant.

Linking two luxury apartment blocks, the pool will give swimmers the feeling that they do not have a care in the world – and if you can afford the £6,500 per month, that will probably be true. People on the ground will look like worker ants but less valued.

One resident defended the project: ‘Who wouldn’t want to be drenched in water at the top of a high rise?’, To which a Grenfell survivor replied: ‘I think that was our point’.

Logan Paul set for rematch as world agrees to punch him in the face

After having gone toe to toe and accountant to accountant with Floyd Mayweather, the Youtuber is set to box the entire population of the planet, as we all take turns at trying to wipe the smile off his stupid face. With ‘$1 a pop’, Paul is set to raise $7.9bn – which will help fund his goal of buying a proper surname.

The logistics of the fight will be difficult, as it will involve a queue of fighters hundreds of thousands of miles long and an oversubscribed parking facility. Each round will last months, and fans are advised to bring a year’s supply of popcorn.

Paul is expected to go the distance, but his face is not. Despite being reduced to a bloody neck stump, many of his 15 million followers feel this will improve his Vlogging output. Infamous for mocking suicide victims, Paul has no shortage of opponents. Said one: ‘I’m not a violent person, but he’s got such a punchable face. It would be great to a rematch of the rematch; he’s also got such a kickable scrotum.’

Pre Amazon-dwellers lived for nearly 2,000 years without online ordering

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