"I was groomed by Prince Charles", claims Yucca plant

The plant ,which requested it be referred to as Y, made this statement in a darkened room.

"The Prince started talking to me from when I was a sapling. He keep saying things like 'you're going to grow up big and strong for me'. Then he started putting stuff in my drinking water; I think it was Baby Bio. I think it made me bloom too quickly. Then he kept complimenting me on my foliage. Then he started running his hands through me leaves and 'cleaning' them.

"A fly that has been buzzing round the house tells me other plants have been getting the same treatment. It's time people stopped 'cultivating' plants in their homes for their own gratification".

No-one from Clarence House has issued a statement because we didn't contact them.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/hmdg-8676495/

Radio Hams of Spike Island in Widnes broadcast "Russian warship to go F@ck yourself"

Enthused by the solidarity of the rest of the world in supporting Ukraine in the Eurovision Song Contest, the residents of Spike Island with access to radio transmitting devices are saying they feel proud to have taken part in telling Russian warships within the range of their transmitters what they think of the situation in Ukraine.

Those restoring the Sankey Canal applaud the radio hams' courageous actions and claim that it seems to be having the desired effect since not a single Russian warship has hampered their restoration efforts, and admit it probably wasn't worth the trouble of erecting watchtowers from the Mersey estuary all the way to the double lock at St Helens, now that they've realised how powerful modern technology can be.

Boris Johnson has however, praised the money received by Widnes council from the levelling up fund on the watchtowers, because even after the Ukraine conflict is over, they will help prevent refugees from arriving in Britain to help the failing economy recover.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/karlrots-15705074/

IT setup at Rees-Mogg's office