David Lynch: dead at 78

Government seeks good looking female prison officers to put them out of prisoners’ league

Following a series of scandals in which female prison officers seek a little animal pleasure in the confines of a cell with dangerous men, the government is quietly instituting a looks-only policy in its female officer recruitment policy. ‘These women are solid 7s,’ said a Home Office insider. ‘In other words, they are attractive enough to be desired and insecure enough to take what they can get. That has to change.’

In response, the department was tasked with coming up with a policy that would put a stop to the searchable sequence of real life prison porn genre scenes. ‘By making all female officers 10s, we believe they will not look twice at wing-loitering human scum. By the same token, the men will acknowledge that these women are simply out of their league and not risk the humiliation of being repeatedly turned down in front of their murderers and rapists peers.’

The Home Office spokesperson, herself a reasonable 8, said she believed the frustrated prisoners would in turn sublimate their carnal aggression into creative activities, such as pottery, matchstick modelmaking, and Hope Outreach Heal & Intercommunal Blending Meetings, which she said would spring up spontaneously ‘in the space between denial and acknowledgement.’

But the Home Office admits that the so-called ’Ratable 10’ policy may not in itself be sufficient to halt human desire. Sex has been a basic human need for decades and the most reliable way of propagating the species. Although there is an outright ban on it in institutions of forced detainment, it is thought that the sexual element of human nature does not go into full remission. ‘Men when they are locked up still retain their capacity to imaginatively visualize members of the opposite sex. Outlawing this is where we as a new Labour government intend to go next.’

image from pixabay

MuskBot recalled for system upgrade

TeslaCorps has been forced to recall all MuskBot 3000 models as a major system fault has been discovered.

The MuskBot series were developed to provide backup for The Great Man, but have been operating independently since Mr Musk's over-inflated ego partially ruptured 18 months ago and left him hospitalised across three west-coast states.

"The 'Bot was upgraded in a bit of a rush after the accident, and is a wee bit patchy" admitted a BotSpokesAI, "but we hoped any anomalous behaviour would be written off as uber-rich white guy privilege spouting bollocks on all subjects under the sun. However, it is now clear that the safeguard features are failing to filter the worst excesses of this behaviour"

When pressed as to how swift this upgrade would be, the botspokesAI mused for a moment

"Well, we might be able to lift some of the control routines from the TrumpDroi ... Whoops - I've said too much"

image from pixabay