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The HS2 project is in a mess. The cost of the London to Birmingham link is now over £107bn, or 82 years worth of winter fuel payment savings.


The news that not a single piece of track had been ordered, let alone laid, has encouraged hovercraft fans to step forward.


Colin Keener, an enthusiastic advocate for British engineering, says that a hovercraft solution could cut costs and save the day.


'Hovercraft don't need any rails,' said Colin, stating the obvious. 'Getting to speeds of 220mph could be an issue, but jet engines would do the job. Steering could be a slight challenge, so the high speed hovercraft might need a guide wire. It is possible that carriages might sway a bit, but probably no worse than those pendolino trains.


He went on to say that the weight of hovercraft trains wouldn't be an issue as long as passenger numbers were restricted.


A spokesman for the Department for Transport acknowledged the proposal with a sigh. He pointed out that the £107bn cost of HS2 would be easily covered by the sale of 3.1 billion rail cards.





Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.


The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.


'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’



First published 19 May 2022



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