The Annual Thames Vs Southern Water Beach Football Match.

Winner: Deskpilot

Runners-Up:

"The teams played on, despite not having seen the ball for twenty minutes." (Lockjaw);

"Gurdip’s mum flatly refused to wash the team kit during monsoon season." (DickEveryman)

Newsreaders Struggling to Keep Straight Face Reading Tory Opinion Poll Ratings.

Winner: APepper

Runners-Up:

"Even at home, you couldn’t have a confidential chat with Jim." (Dick Everyman);

"'Well, listeners, we're going to a break now because Nigel is making a gun with his hand and pyow-pyow sounds at my face.'" (SteveB)

NHS Hospitals Admit to Problems Caused by Ged Glocking

Winner: Mnolan

Runners-Up:

"Emergency frozen Thatcher clone undergoes rapid defrosting." (Modelmaker)

"Training manikin traumatised after visit by Boris Johnson." (Sinnick)