Where were all these ‘experts’ on Afghanistan twenty years ago?

Sociologists have noticed an odd phenomenon, where suddenly there is an influx of people who have never able to spell Afghanistan, but are suddenly ‘experts’ on military tactics, Pashto dialect and the nuances of dealing with at least eight discrete ethnic groups. In fact the combined wisdom of these commentators is deeply impressive, given that only last week they all mistook Disneyland Paris for Kabul.

Said one such genius: ‘Yes, I originally supported the CIA channelling $2 billion worth of arms to support terrorists in the region and to train Osama Bin Laden. But it would take fevered imagination to see some kind of connection between the Mujahideen and the Taliban. For instance, they are spelt completely differently.

‘I can’t see how there is a link between us illegally invading Afghanistan, looting its wealth, installing a puppet regime and the troubles we have today? We’ve rejuvenated the Afghan economy – you only have to look at the way we’ve helped them become an exporter of 90% of all the world’s illicit opium. That’s civilization for you’.

The only ‘expert’ no one seems to have heard from, despite his ability to sound off on every conceivable topic, is Tony Blair. Odd that.

West needs to rethink policy on Islamic extremism, say tanked thinkers

As the Taliban swarm into Kabul, a spokesman for a major US thinktank is calling for a change of strategy on extremism. Hank Burgerbun, lead strategist at WEIISS, The Well Endowed Institute for International Strategic Studies in the USA, says there needs to be "a good 'ol head scratch" about these developments.

He declared "In the end this is a matter for the Afghans". He went on to say, "But somehow the moderate majority need to prevail. What the West needs to do is mobilise the large majority of moderate Muslims, who are reasonable and peaceful people, to resist the degradation of human rights and the brutal legal system. This is a tactic we have used before with great success, for example, during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan in the 1980s, and this lead to the eventual withdrawal of Soviet troops in 1989. In that case we supported the build up of a local group of Muslims who were prepared to fight against tyranny, who came to be known as the .. erm ... Taliban. Erm..." He declined to comment further.

The Taliban – ‘Back in Black’

It is the rock reunion that they said would never happen, the world’s favourite boy band (definitely no girls allowed) ‘The Taliban’ are back on the road and setting Afghanistan alight. Their whistle-stop tour of abandoned U.S. military bases has delighted their fans and infuriated invading armies.

One groupie, who had had her burqa signed by the band, squealed with delight: ‘They played all the old favourites. And when I say old, we’re talking 700 B.C. We like our metal heavy and usually fired from an AK-47’

In the end, Afghans just found the sound of Western democracy rather bland, complained one disgruntled U.S. General: ‘There’s nothing wrong with John Denver’. Meanwhile, The Taliban will be playing all the major cities and with a supporting line-up that includes ‘a large can of Whoopass’.

Said one band member: ‘Many assumed it was drugs and drink that caused us to split, but we’re not that kind of group. We actually split over artistic differences – none of us approved of any art from the last two hundred years. That said, we’ve buried the hatchet now - in our enemy’s skull’.