Sir David Attenborough has confided in colleagues that as he begins his 2nd century, his usual leisure pursuits of dolphin drowning, chimpanzee knife fights and adding to his collection of panda-fur pimp coats, no longer hold the same appeal they once did.
One cameraman said, 'Poor old Dave. Even hippopotamus porn, setting fire to rare grasslands and high stakes wagers involving poisonous frogs are now losing their lustre. But when he heard about a contest for putting British animals on bank notes, his eyes lit up with a blood lust I've not seen since Blue Planet II: This Time It's Personal.'
A statement from Attenborough's office said 'Who doesn't want to see a badger fight a kestrel, only for a fox going through some bins to get the nod for the £20 note? Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitches! Queensberry Rules.'
Diners at a Liverpool Street bistro looked on in utter disbelief as a good vet got a plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet again.
Hedge Fund Investor, Tim Shannon, ordered Cannon of Lamb cooked medium-rare. He said: ‘I'm not squeamish but when it came it was almost swimming in blood. I mentioned to my colleague “a good vet could get that back on its feet again" and with that all hell broke loose.
‘Some chap shouts out, "stand back, I’m a vet!” He then shoos us away from our table and erects a makeshift screen around it using a few tablecloths.
‘We hear a bit of puffing and panting, then to everyone’s amazement a bleating sound. Next thing we see is the chap emerging from behind the screen carrying this beautiful fluffy lamb.’
Restaurant Proprietor, Gyles Pettigrew, told reporters. ‘It was amazing and publicity has done us no harm.'
When asked how the lamb was doing after the ordeal, Pettigrew added: 'Oh, the little fellow is just fine. He’s out the back in the freezer preparing to guest star in Wednesday's Gourmet Evening.'
First published 29 May 2023
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