Levelling up will ensure entire nation is underwater

Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.

Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero. Illegal immigration hotspots are likely to become a thing of the past as scurvy and poor nautical navigation lead to natural wastage.

The government will also be setting aside money for a new navy which will look very similar to Farrow and Ball’s ‘Falmouth Blue’.

Wave Tower Bridge - Free photo on Pixabay

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First published 15 Nov 2021

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Moon will be blue during next lunar eclipse, vows Reform

"Aren't you sick of the moon turning red every time there's a lunar eclipse?" Reform's in-house astronomer asked an almost empty press room, while looking at journalists through the wrong end of a telescope.

"Come closer, all of you. Don't be shy. Just tell your readers this.

"If Britain votes Reform at the next election, our great leader Nigel will personally see to it that every eclipsed moon will be sky blue - Reform's party colours.

"Just text BLUEMOONLUNATICS with a Bitcoin donation to Reform party funds - and all your bank details, for our future reference.

In return, we'll send you a pair of blue-tinted spectacles and 20 ballot papers, all with crosses next to Nigel's name, for you and your friends to use next polling day.

"Vote Reform!" squawked the party astronomer, running around in small circles and flapping its wings, "because under Labour, the sky will very soon be falling on our heads."

image from pixabay