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‘Britain has finally joined the 21st century,’ announced James Trotman, managing director of Fox Trotman Country Living, at a special ceremony to mark the conversion of the last barn in the UK. ‘For too long, these buildings have been eyesores; now they are stylish rural retreats that are sustaining the British economy through dark times by stimulating local housing markets.’


The barn was one of ten that formerly blighted the landscape in the small Norfolk village of Shotesham. It is believed to have been used to house grain for reasons which are not yet clear and the smells coming from it were described by local homeowners as ‘a jolly nuisance’.


The other nine are now all occupied by the families’ senior doctors at the local hospital but this one had been overlooked until quite recently, when Fox Trotman responded to an anonymous tip-off. Consultant ophthalmologist David Bradley, his wife Victoria and their two children will move in next week.


‘It’s marvellous news for us and the local community,’ commented Victoria Bradley. ‘For the best part of a year, we were all crowded into a six-bed in Dereham, but now we have enough space for us, the 4-by-4, the Morgan and the children, when they are home from boarding school. If they could only put some nice pavements in around the village to finish it off, that would be just perfect.’





Tory measures designed to equalise north/south disparity will result in the entire British Isles being below sea-level according to a government think tank. Fears that Scotland and the Pennines would be left high and dry following the melting of the polar ice cap appear unfounded according to senior figures at number ten.


Water sports, fishing and extreme cave diving will be available to the masses as the Business Secretary launches a ‘raft’ of new initiatives to bring unemployment down to zero. Illegal immigration hotspots are likely to become a thing of the past as scurvy and poor nautical navigation lead to natural wastage.


The government will also be setting aside money for a new navy which will look very similar to Farrow and Ball’s ‘Falmouth Blue’.








The prime minister’s office has announced that from tomorrow he will publicly state the sentence “Britain is not a ______ country”, any time, for a fee.


The fee will depend on what word or phrase is selected to fill in the blank. The options are:


“French” - 20 pounds

“wobbly” - 25 pounds

“real” - 30 pounds

“square” - 40 pounds

“Welsh” - 50 pounds

“sausage shaped” - 100 pounds

“hairy” - 250 pounds

“very good” - 500 pounds

“disease ridden” 750 pounds

“cheese filled” - 1000 pounds

“Boaty McBoatface” - 2000 pounds

(Just use the blank) - 5000 pounds

“shits n' giggles”- 50,000 pounds

“corrupt” - 100,000 pounds








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