Cheating to be acceptable before Open returns to Turnberry

Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised.  The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.

The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost.  'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls.  It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.

Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files.  However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.

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'D J' Trump informs Keir about the bunker buster plan

With apologies to David Nobbs

Wimbledon tennis to use virtual nets

In a controversial move, the Wimbledon tennis tournament will use virtual nets on the main courts from next year.

Wimbledon will be the first grand slam competition to use virtual tennis nets, although line calls have been computerised for some time. Wimbledon is keen to be the first to use the new technology, which, surprisingly, was developed in the UK.   A spokesman said that it was the logical next step for tennis in the twenty-first century and would make the game fairer. In a nod to tradition, a physical net will still be used for the men’s singles final.

The system has been tested exhaustively. It can survive a racket attack by Novak Djokovic, a verbal onslaught from Andy Murray and the disappointment of another Emma Raducanu collapse. Although the on-court computer will decide which shots have hit the virtual net, the umpire will continue to have the final say.

The top of the net will be indicated by a red laser light shining between the net posts, indicating where the net cord would be. The rest of the net will be simulated by white laser lights. The lasers are low power devices, and won’t harm the players much if they fall into the net.

The players’ association is debating the removal of ‘net-cord jeopardy’. Some argue that shots that are deflected by the net-cord are part of the excitement of the game. Others say it’s unfair for key points to be decided by fluke shots. And another group says that jumping a laser net at the end of the game won’t be as much fun.

The tennis authorities are keen to confirm that the new technology will have no effect on the chances of an English player winning Wimbledon, which remain at virtually zero.

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