Man 'stable' after draining cooked pasta water down the sink

A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.

The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some 'theatre cooking', rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiata sauce, for himself, his wife and two daughters, while they sat at the kitchen table.

'I don't know how it happened', confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10-year-old daughter and complaints that the sauce was 'scarily bland' and just hadn't bound together at all.

'It was a schoolboy error', admitted McBride. It's basic advice in every pasta recipe in every cook book. I could hear Ainsley Harriet's chirpy tones stressing that 'You must keep a bit of starchy water as you drain the pasta sauce. You really must.' 

'It seemed to happen in slow motion', continued McBride. 'I just let it all drain down the sink in a colander.  I could see my wife's mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes. It was gut-wrenching.'

McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.

Image credit: Wix AI

How many would you give Heston Bloomin'-Bonkers?

Jamie Oliver pulls children’s book after criticism for stereotyping Mockneys

Jamie Oliver has been sensationally obliged to pull his second book, Geezer and the Oven of Fire, from London bookshelves after a storm of outrage from offended mockneys. The British chef, perennially 27 in his own mind though 49 in chronological age, issued a hastily concocted apology via his publisher, Blindin Books. ‘Mr Oliver sincerely offers his most pukka apologies for any offence taken, nah-mean?’

The humiliating climbdown was forced upon Blindin Books when readers on the outskirts of a true working class London background noticed repeated negative depictions of their type in the storyline . In one chapter, 'Geezer does his nut', Geezer, the eponymous hero, goes into a hangover induced rage because his braised lamb is over-herbed. In another, he calls for central London to be nuked so that all that remains are the outer borough satellite towns that produce authentic mockneys. And in another, he plays down higher education as a waste of time, even though in real life the super chef accepted an honorary degree in dishwashing from Ramsgate College of Let's Get You Through Two More Years of Practical Education to Keep You Off The Govt NEET Stats.

The Geezer series follows the adventures of a young chef from a fictional Essex backwater who leaps to fame when he wins a regional cooking competition in a stained t-shirt. Late for an episode of the 12 minute-episode quick cooking magazine show he is then offered, Geezer accidentally walks through a studio wall, which is an apparent portal into a netherworld of ancient tribes who battle things out in graphic cook-offs. Thus, Geezer lives a double life of popular celebrity in England and culinary warriorship in 'Billericia.'

Geezer attracted controversy in the first book, in which he violently forces his fiancé to drop her aitches, for then giving all his subsequent daughters ‘geezerish’ names: Sam, Billy, and most controversially, Ron. Blur frontman, Damon Albarn, is said to be apoplectic about the depiction of his people. Meanwhile, a source close to Guy Richie says the director is putting about a bit of work said to involve ‘doing Oliver’s knees.’ Elsewhere, Lily Allen was unavailable for comment. Finally, we couldn’t bear the thought of listening to Russell Brand.

Image credit: Wix AI