New Austerity is going to be so much cooler than old Austerity

The Chancellor reassured the nation that her reboot of the George Osborne franchise will be sexier than ever and that her gruel will be thinner than all the rest. Said one Labour voter: 'This is exactly what I voted for. Tory policies but with a Brit Pop soundtrack.'

Her aide explained: 'We'll put a cap on luxury goods. Not yachts. Children. And it's about time people started to pay their taxes. The billionaires? Gosh, no! I mean those disabled pensioners – hoarding all their wealth by not switching the heating on and rolling around in their gold-plated wheel chairs.

'We can only grow the economy by beating it round the the head with a baseball bat and then setting fire to it. There are no free lunches – unless you're a banker- people need tough love, fiscal discipline and rickets. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Except we forget the sugar and the spoon is a fist. Open wide!'

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Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

The Chancellor said that the Witch was much maligned, and was working within specific financial constraints when she tried to kill Dorothy. Her spokeswoman explained: 'The fact is, the Wizard of Oz left significant debts, having insisted in making his city out of Emerald rather than bricks'.

Cutting off winter fuel payments to the citizens of Oz and privatizing the yellow brick road, were prudent decisions, Reeves insisted. Yes, she could have chosen to tax the ruling billionaire witch-class but they are wealth creators, unlike the gullible munchkins who voted them in. No, it was much fairer for her to wear the ruby slippers, rather than sell them off to lift the two-child cap.

Waving her broomstick Reeves cast a spell of Austerity over the land and threatened to send her winged monkeys after any protestors. Asked if she also planned to freeze disability payments, specifically for the blind. 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!'

image from pixabay

List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:

1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.

2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.

3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.

4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.

The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.

image from pixabay