Elon Musk's accomplishments

Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.

In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:

  •  I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?

  •  I won a chainsaw from Argentina.

  •  I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms

  •  I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why

  •  I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos

  •  I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok

  •  I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors

  •  I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things

  •  I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump threatens to annex Love Island

The 47th president has threatened the renegade territory, whose sovereignty is a grey area, with the full might of American invasive techniques, honed over multiple movie-inspiring wars, unless it does something to stop him. 'Love Island is prime property that could fall into the hands of the Crink powers lest the commander in chief moves TODAY,' said a White House insider. Crink stands for China, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the incessant need to acronymize.

In recent weeks, Trump has stepped up his whispering campaign of possible annexations of plum-located nation territories with piddling militaries, such as Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Great Britain. With the Gulf of Mexico being renamed The Gulf of America and traditional military headwear being replaced with reinforced MAGA caps, supporters think the time is ripe to snatch the island from under the noses of grasping yellow hands.

'America needs to control Love Island to ensure international security,' said the insider. The island is a black hole for diplomacy, and has seen scores of transient relationships fall by the wayside. It is also a monarchy whose current head, Burger King, has exerted power with nothing like the full understanding of Peter Thiel's constant frown.

Meanwhile there are fears that with the world's attention firmly focused on the various threats put about by Trump solely to secure leverage and wholly unlikely to be acted upon, China will roll over Taiwan this spring, kickstarting the kind of world war only banks survive. 'My belief,' said one analyst, 'is that Love Island is at a unique geographical vulnerability, being the shallowest island on Earth.'

Image: WixAI

Users go wild for new We Want Your Information App

The app released on Google Play yesterday promises to steal every piece of information harvested on your android phone, including a full history of suicide and porn searches. We Want Your Information was developed in China late last year in response to a rival app called We know who you are and what you think. But users complained that this app was cumbersome, requiring more than one key stroke and taking longer than six seconds to steal all of your closest secrets.

We Know Who You Are And What You Think also failed to alert users when a fresh piece of information was stolen. 'It was glitchy,' said one. 'But We Want Your Information is slick. I really feel denuded and naked after downloading it, like the company has a portal to my bank account and greatest fears.' The app, released with the full collusive blessing of governments around the world, not only steals information. It also has a lurk function which users can switch on to be heard in toilets and family arguments.

With rumours of an update arriving soon, users are expressing the hope that We Want Your Information will have a camera option, allowing it to film and upload instantly to any social media site it desires footage of users' most shameful public and home interactions. 'I love that We Want Your Information doesn't ask for permissions. It just accesses whatever the hell it wants.'

But there are opponents of the new app, a minority of naysayers who think that there is an issue surrounding the ethics of choice. They are questioning why We Want Your Information is an optional download at all. 'In 2025 so-called 'individuality' is a relic of the last century, which, as we all know, was a terrible one. We Want Your Information should be mandatory and social points accumulated or docked according to user compliance.' An Apple version with slicker theft aesthetics is expected to follow.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive