MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the cookery show.

A press release states that "once the current edition ends, the only thing viewers will see in the next season will be forks, knives, the occasional spoon and someone in the background shouting 'That is sensational".

Recipes with potential innuendo, such as aubergine delight, sausage frenzy and coq au anything, have been banned by programme maker Banijay.

Judge John Torode will be replaced by a robot (“no one will notice”, an insider insisted) while an illegitimate son of Donald Trump will step in for Gregg Wallace to do background criticism.

“We think this is the way forward for the hugely popular show,” said a MasterChef spokeswoman.

“Concentrating on cutlery has been a long-held ambition of the show. We’re so glad we can do that now.”

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home.

“50% of domestic fires start in the kitchen,” says the report. “Therefore any credible fire prevention strategy has to start by banning cooking at home.

“Moreover, most of the remaining fires are caused by faults with electrical wiring or appliances, so they’ll have to go too. And having something as flammable as gas piped into every home is clearly just asking for trouble. 

“In short, we’re looking at a future of homes without any heating or light, where you can’t cook food - no of course you can’t build a campfire in your garden, are you crazy? But in return for completely throwing out modern civilisation, we’ll all be much safer, and it will also help bring London closer to net zero.

“Some would say this is a high price to pay, but looking at the Mayor’s transport strategy, I know this plan will be in line with his thinking.”

However, Khan is said to have spluttered into his latte when he read the report, saying “For God’s sake, we’re only pretending all the 20mph limits, Low Traffic Neighbourhoods and ULEZ zones are anything to do with safety. Has this guy been living under a rock?

“At the very least, we need some kind of system for fining people if they cook dinner or heat their homes. Otherwise we might end up making them safer without making a penny out of it.”

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Man 'stable' after draining cooked pasta water down the sink

A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.

The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some 'theatre cooking', rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiata sauce, for himself, his wife and two daughters, while they sat at the kitchen table.

'I don't know how it happened', confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10-year-old daughter and complaints that the sauce was 'scarily bland' and just hadn't bound together at all.

'It was a schoolboy error', admitted McBride. It's basic advice in every pasta recipe in every cook book. I could hear Ainsley Harriet's chirpy tones stressing that 'You must keep a bit of starchy water as you drain the pasta sauce. You really must.' 

'It seemed to happen in slow motion', continued McBride. 'I just let it all drain down the sink in a colander.  I could see my wife's mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes. It was gut-wrenching.'

McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.

Image credit: Wix AI