Following the success of Penny Mordaunt’s Star Wars-inspired outfit at the Coronation, CCHQ has ordered all Tory MPs to be measured up for “sexy cosplay” outfits.
A paper in the British Medical Journal reported that Mordaunt’s attire was equivalent to two standard doses of Viagra in men over 60 who voted for Brexit.
‘Let’s face it, the old standbys of the economy and law & order won’t cut it’, a spokesman told us. ‘By any rational standards we should be dead. Yet people saw Penny carrying a sword and actually said that made her Prime Ministerial material. To be fair, it’s more work than Boris managed in three years, but really? Is that all the plebs need?’
But who are these sexy MPs?
‘Jacob Rees-Mogg actually has sensational legs. They’ll need waxing, but he’d look amazing as a French maid. Or possibly C3PO’.
The real vote winner is tipped to be Priti Patel. ‘Okay, she’s a bitch’, the spokesman said, ‘but she could be a right sexy bitch. It’s that smirk. You could just see smirking like that her after she’s killed a man – or possibly eaten a baby’.
And what about Rishi Sunak? Could he be made sexy?
‘That’s a toughie’, conceded the spokesman. ‘I suppose we could start by ordering full length trousers for him. Do you think he wears his wife’s by mistake?’