Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder.

"Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive.

"And that's just the seagulls.

"Plus they make a racket morning, noon and night, steal the catches from trawlers and hang around on seawalls, looking at our officers funny.

"We're so ashamed of the how rotten life has got in this royally-named town that we're ordering the local council to change the signposts to say Lyme Egregious, as a red flag to visitors to steer clear of the godforsaken dump."

image from pixabay

A scene most of the world would like to see ...

Poor Peter's the victim in all this, say Mandelson's lawyers

'The Metropolitan Police only arrested our client because they thought he was a flight risk,' whined Mandelson's legal team from Sue, Grabbit and Scarper in a statement, 'and it wasn't at all to do with the copious evidence that he had committed misconduct in public office.

'When detectives saw Lord Peter in his local library looking at a list of countries without extradition treaties with the UK, they should have known he was only planning to take off for a winter break with all his money.

'Lord Peter says that this means it's the police who are in the wrong, and not him.

'Peter is a thoroughly innocent and misunderstood spin doctor who has managed to twist a story to his own advantage - yet again - and he now wants to fly down to the British Virgin Islands to forget all about this regrettable affair, taking a pile of incriminating evidence with him.'

At press time, Mandelson's lawyers were demanding a hand written note of apology from the Metropolitan Police commissioner for wrongful arrest and £100,000 compensation for hurt feelings.

'We'll do the note but we won't give him the money,' said a Met Police spokes-swine off the record.

'That's because Mandelson doesn't actually have any human feelings. He was born in a test tube at Porton Down.'

Image: WixAI