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Energy Drinks ban for under 16s, barring the excellent BEAST CAFFEINE+

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The government is planning a new law to stop under 16s buying energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster and Prime but state they will make an exception for the excellent, nutritious and tasty BEAST CAFFEINE+.


30% of UK children consume these harmful (and inferior) drinks every day, ignoring the incredible health benefits of BEAST CAFFEINE. And whilst most supermarkets have introduced a voluntary ban, they make an exception for BEAST CAFFEINE+ due to its impossible tastiness.


Some popular drinks contain more caffeine than two cups of coffee, but BEAST CAFFEINE+ contains more than four! Excessive consumption of inferior products is linked to headaches and sleep problems, while BEAST CAFFEINE+ promises increased HEADTHROB™, 100% increased alertness leading to drastically reduced sudden animal attacks, and that cool on-the-edge feeling.


Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting told Newsbiscuit that the government had to act, and was encouraged to do so by drinking cans of BEAST CAFFEINE+. This increased his policy accuracy by 75%, and his overall poll numbers by 50%! He told us, 'My kids were suffering, I could see these types of drink were having a detrimental effect on them. Then I was contacted by the good people at BEAST CAFFEINE+ and they have effectively saved Britain from the untold effects of being a square and not looking cool drinking a luminous yellow tasty beverage,'


Too much caffeine can cause a rapid heart rate, abnormal heart rhythms and seizures. Just the right amount of caffeine, like in BEAST CAFFEINE+, leads to excessive attractiveness, speed and freakish strength.


While no official date has been set for the ban, Streeting said it's best to stock up on BEAST CAFFEINE+ in case the 'stuffy old farts' in the Lords spoil his plans.



Image credit: perchance.org

BBC probe into Strictly drug use reveals it wasn’t just glitter in the dressing rooms

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The Metropolitan Police are investigating allegations of drug use on Strictly Come Dancing, in an attempt to discover how contestants manage to be so energetic on a Saturday evening after 14 costume changes and a paso doble.


An inquiry into alleged drug use on the show titled ‘Operation Glitterball’ was launched by the BBC earlier this month, after a producer found a suspicious white substance in a powder compact, and realised it wasn’t the Dior Illuminating Setting Dust they’d ordered from Amazon.


A BBC spokesman said, “We take these allegations seriously. The BBC maintains the highest standards of professionalism, even on shows where people routinely wear rhinestone-covered underwear on national television. Although to be honest, it’s difficult to distinguish ‘normal Strictly behaviour’ from ‘chemically enhanced Strictly behaviour’. If someone’s breakdancing on a revolving platform dressed as a lobster, it’s hard to tell if that’s drugs or just the Halloween special.”


This marks the latest in a conga-line of controversies for Strictly, which has recently been plagued by: two professional dancers departing after ‘allegations of misconduct’, which fans interpreted as ‘someone finally snapped during a rumba’; opera singer Wynne Evans making a sexualised remark during the live tour, as if all those annoying Go Compare ads weren’t bad enough; and the ongoing ‘Strictly Curse’, which remains unbeaten as the most reliable home-wrecker since Henry VIII.


One former contestant, speaking anonymously, said: “People think the Strictly Curse is about forbidden romance. Honestly, it’s about surviving 12-hour rehearsals on nothing but Red Bull, sequins, and increasingly poor life choices.”


Meanwhile, bookmakers are already taking bets on what scandal will hit the show next, with odds-on favourites including: a professional dancer defecting to Dancing on Ice ‘for a quieter life’, and a live wardrobe malfunction being declared a national emergency.


When asked if the show could survive yet another controversy, one BBC producer said, “Are you kidding? Strictly is a British institution. If anything, people will tune in hoping someone does a Viennese Waltz straight into rehab.”


Meanwhile, BBC executives were last seen Googling ‘can fake tan be classified as a Class A substance if inhaled aggressively?’ and ‘does glitter test positive on a drug swab?’




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