Shopping centres across the UK are set to capitalise on the huge energy loss that most people experience as soon as they step foot on their premises during the Christmas period, it has been confirmed.
It is thought that billions of kilojoules of energy are currently wasted every single day in December, as thousands of people exhale loudly, start cursing and totally lose the will to live, the minute they enter a crowded indoor shopping centre.
‘As soon as I see the dreary parade of Officers’ Club, The Works, and Perfume Club stores, plus that calendar shop that magically appears on December 1st in every shopping precinct across the sodding country, every ounce of energy instantaneously drains from my body’, said a weary Mike McBride, sat forlornly on a bench outside a rammed ‘Vape Express’ shop. ‘I can’t do it. I can’t walk another step’.
‘When I see the crowds wandering aimlessly without any hope around Primark, I just want the world to end. And that frankly piss-poor attempt at a Christmas window display in Rymans is enough to push anyone over the edge’, continued McBride.
‘And no, I am not thinking of changing my bloody broadband provider before you ask’, growled McBride to a bemused Sky salesman wearing a Santa hat at a pop up stand.
‘It’s actually a well-known scientific phenomenon’ said Mark Da Costa, Professor of retailing at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly). ‘A rapid loss of energy after encountering an uninspiring, overpriced, garishly decorated retail unit’.
‘We call it the WHSmith effect’.
‘The energy expelled could be used to power a small town’ continued Professor Da Costa. ‘Or another 3 soulless shopping precincts’.
