Ofgem now uses an old pine cone to calculate the energy price cap

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Pessimistic forecast as Mum-of-two announces Household Budget

Mum of two, Tracy Blake, has delivered her umpteenth household budget, and the mood was decidedly down beat for the year ahead.

Holding up the now familiar back of an envelope, and taking regular sips from a glass of Pinot, she spoke of rising supermarket prices, higher energy costs and keeping two cars on the road, whilst reducing spending in other areas to make ends meet. As she finally sat down, after being on her feet most of the morning, the one phrase that best summed up the household finances was “We’re screwed”. Full analysis of her budget is not expected until just after half-three when the kids get in, but the announcement of a continuing freeze on pocket money is not expected to go down well.

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'Fu*k me, I was totally wrong about the Tories' admits a gobsmacked nation

'Fuck me,' said a very much taken aback nation today. 'There I was thinking the Tories are running the biggest and most shambolic shit show on the planet, and all the time it turns out they are playing an absolute blinder.

'Of course, I see it all now. Silly old me. You're scarcely going to believe this, but I was convinced there are shortages everywhere, energy prices are going through the roof and more and more vulnerable people are being forced to use food banks just to keep alive. And... for some odd reason, call it the cold hard facts if you will, that we're in dire straits. But no, not a bit of it apparently.

'Tory money man, multimillionaire Mr Sunak, says everything is just fabulous. It's lots more money all round and no bad news whatsoever. Not a shred. He said it very earnestly like a big enthusiastic schoolboy when he was finishing his budget speech. So it has to be true, because the people he was with all agreed too.

'Tsk. I feel a bit silly now, you know, what with having got it so badly wrong. Looks like I'll have to write a letter to Mr Johnson and apopogise for my ill-informed skepticism.'

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