Marbles handed in to White House lost property

A set of marbles, apparently found next to a few playing cards, is amongst the items in the White House lost property office. Staff are hoping to trace the owner who is thought to be a child, possibly a toddler.

White House spokespindoctor Karoline Leavitt suggested that they were left behind by the previous administration and probably belonged to former President Joe Biden. However, it has been confirmed that Mr Biden still has all his marbles and continues to play with a full deck of cards.

Other items handed in recently include a sandwich, which may have been part of someone’s picnic, and the storyline of a play, which indicates someone has lost the plot.

When someone from the lost property department went to ask the President about the items, he wasn’t in his usual rocking chair in the Oval Office. It would appear that Trump has gone off his rocker.

Photo by Christine Tan on Unsplash

Trump considering name change: Damien 666

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Cthulhu sues Trump for copyright infringement

Cthulhu, the ageless entity of unspeakable evil, is suing Donald Trump in an American court for 'theft of intellectual property' and 'intentional infliction of emotional distress.' 'Destroying the global economy, laughing at Gaza’s ethnic cleansing, oppressing penguins - those were all my ideas,' Cthulhu said at an angry press conference. 'I may as well just stay at home and play video games.'

The Trump administration is not backing down. 'Cthulhu's had since before the beginning of time to destroy life on Earth, and he hasn't done jack shit,' said F@$cismRox, the administration's designated social media Troll-of-the-Week. 'Trump has unleashed bottomless dread like you've never seen before.'

Cthulhu's bitterness is understandable, says Alfred Newman, Professor of Supernatural Marketing at the University of Arkham. 'Cthulhu's been building his brand over an unfathomable span of eons,' Newman said. 'When some newbie comes along – a mere human, no less – and swipes all his good lines, it's no surprise that he feels a bit put out.'

According to a source close to Cthulhu, he believes that someone associated with Trump stole his plans for inflicting chaotic global misery. 'Steve Bannon interned with us some years ago,' the source explained. 'We think he hacked Cthulhu's account and copied all the good stuff.' Calls to Bannon's representative seeking a response went unreturned.

Picture credit: Wix AI