New conspiracy theory suggests Queen's 2012 Olympic parachute jump was fake

'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'

Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.

A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'

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Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

Paris 2024 treated the world to a spectacle of light, sound and mind-numbing boredom - with all the obligatory mime artists you could want. Not content with talking in French - everyone's worst second language - the Olympic hosts decided to showcase the million and one reasons why French art is so dull.

The torrential rain did alleviate some of the tension by soaking Olympic Officials and a bedraggled choir. While the highlight was seeing the competitors forced onto barges and hit by a water canon of excrement, from the River Seine.

The key to all French culture is to do it at a snail's pace, but with a face like a slapped arse. There seemed to be an awful lot of cosplay characters on skateboards and hula-hoopers in fetish underwear - but that is standard for any French day out. It was the glacial pace that did for may of the viewers, said one: 'I need a medal just for having watched it.'

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Paris Olympics opened by Eurovision and Eurotrash tribute

The opening ceremony for the Paris Olympics has received worldwide praise for being the most utter rubbish in Olympic history . It has been recognised for fully embracing a combination of the homo-erotic dance sequences of Eurovision and the bizarrely costumed individuals performing weird rituals of Eurotrash in a unique tribute to the worst television programmes ever broadcast.

Barely dressed couples dancing the tango to hardcore drum and bass, unconvincing electronic horses being ridden along a river and a Woy Hodgson lookalike getting as soaked as a Sunak were particular highlights. Talking of Rishi, no-one would have criticised him for leaving this ceremony early.

The French really screwed things up. Television commentators had been preparing numerous puns about the celebrations being ‘In Seine’, only for the French to rename the Parisian river ‘The Sen’ for some reason. And then they waved red white and blue tricolour flags instead of their traditional all white.

On a positive note, a world record has already been broken. Never has ‘What the effing hell is that?’ been simultaneously translated into more languages.

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