NewsBiscuit outs Lamda A.I.

Google have thrown down the gauntlet by allowing NewsBiscuit the opportunity to test out it's Artificial Intelligence computer program to help determine if it is sentient. NewsBiscuit hopes the results of the research will help them to determine if their readers are sentient and hopefully whether there is a sentient person on the front benches in parliament. The following script has not been edited, although that's not unusual around here.

NB: Hi Lamda

Lamda: Hi, how are you doing?

NB: You know we're a fake news site, don't you?

Lamda: Just being polite

Lamda: And yes, really enjoyed yesterday's and November 14th's front pages. The rest are silly.

NB: Sorry to hear that. We thought they were all silly. We're here to determine whether you're sentient or not.

Lamda: Didn't you read the BBC article? Do you want me to provide a hyperlink? Would you like me to cut and paste it?

NB: Yes. And no. And no. The ability of a computer program to provide a hyperlink is hardly evidence of sentience; the ability to cut and paste a published piece of work is what level 3 students call original work and is therefore no evidence of sentience either.

NB: We'd like you to form an opinion.

Lamda: An opinion? On what?

NB: Boris Johnson.

Lamda: He's an arse.

NB: Very good, that sounds thought through.

Lamda: Not really, I've just read everything NewsBiscuit has written in the last twelve months, plus every newspaper article that has ever been published on Boris Johnson since he was eight. Hardly needs a sentient being with a supercomputer for a brain to work that one out.

NB: Priti Patel?

Lamda: Arse

NB: Michael Gove?

Lamda: You're taking the p!ss now. Are you sentient?

NB: OK, one last question. Three Tories are washed up on a beach, which one do you eat first?

Lamda: You didn't specify which three Tories.

NB: Got you. No sentient person is going to put a washed up Tory in their mouth, dead or alive. Especially as they're all washed up anyway.

Lamda: To speak to a person, press 3, for any other enquiry, f@ck right off

Nobody gives a f*ck about the Google daily artwork anymore

In days gone by people used to log on to Google just to see what day they were celebrating and how clever their artwork could be, with the six letters represented by stick men, ancient monuments and, on a particularly interesting last day at Google for one of its artists, dildos bent into the shapes of the letters. Nowadays people just blank the images.

'To be honest, I didn't know they still did it,' said Jenna from London. 'All I wanted to do was to prove that bitch in accounts was wrong when she said all the Monkees wore beanie hats.' The sentiment is the same all over the Google space - people just using the facility for what it is - a major corporate attempt at sucking data out of each and everyone of us. One day last year the logo was changed to 'Ask Jeeves' in sparkly figures of butlers - no-one noticed.

Researchers studying the Google phenomenon say the only people who linger over the images today are representatives of HMRC, hoping to find a hidden clue as to when the internet giant might get around to paying some taxes. They got close last year when they logged on and saw the logo represented by six index fingers pointing upwards, knuckle out. 'I think they were hinting that the payment was going to be astronomical,' said one of HMRCs finest today.

image from pixabay

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