Guinness to be renamed “Biden”

Coinciding with the US President’s visit to Ireland, the brewers of Guinness made the surprise announcement today that their famous product is to be renamed “Biden”.

'We’d always thought that nothing symbolised Ireland quite like Guinness,' said a spokesman today. 'But we now realise that the Biden brand is far more authentically Irish than Guinness could ever be, and we’re seeking to capitalise on that.”

He admitted it was a cheap marketing ploy, 'But then so is Biden harping on about his Irish ancestry all the time, and ignoring the branch of his family that came from Sussex.

'I only wish we’d thought of it in time for St Bidey’s Day on 17th March.'

Other Irish brands were quick to follow suit, with leprechauns from now on being known as “the little Bidens”, shamrocks becoming “Bidenwort” (with the Latin name Bidenia plasticpaddyensis) and Martin McDonagh has announced that his next film will be called “The Bidens of Inishbiden”. Dublin’s Tourist Board said it had no plans to change the name to “Joe Biden City”, but only because they hadn’t thought of it.

A suggestion to rename the troubles “the Bidens” also met with broad support, on the grounds that it was Irish Americans who paid for them.

Responding to criticisms that Biden was perhaps in thrall to a clichéd version of Ireland rather than the modern country that actually exists, the White House issued a statement saying 'Bejaysus t’was a terrible business, to be sure and begorrah'.

Lewisham man beats record for words to describe 'speechless'

A Lewisham man surprised by work colleagues with a birthday card and cake has broken the world record for people describing that they are speechless.

'I'm literally speechless, there are no words to describe the emotions running through me, I don't have the words to explain how I feel at this gesture, words, frankly, fail me, I just don't know what to say,' he is understood to have said.

Unfortunately, all of his co-workers drifted off back to their desks and assumed the end of the sentence. Consequently his record will not be recorded by Guinness as a World Record, nor will he enjoy his cake as everyone took a slice while he was waffling on, leaving just an empty plate, an action that, literally, left him speechless.

Mum sets new world record speed for telling family bad news

'It took us by surprise,' said Nicola, the daughter of record breaker Jan, aged 73. 'During a family meal out my brothers and I had begun remembering our old next door neighbour, Tony, when, no sooner had we mentioned him, mum chimed in to tell us that he's dead now. Couldn't have taken her any longer than 20 seconds'.

'It was actually 12.6 seconds,' said Jan, who also holds the record for number of times a mum over Christmas has asked her son why he and his girlfriend haven't had kids yet. 'The record had been in my sights for a while, so I'd made sure a representative from the Guinness World Records was present at another table timing it.'

Jan insists that despite the records she holds she isn't predisposed to the negative, and indeed when asked if she enjoyed herself at the family get together, she answered positively, saying that 'it was better than doing nothing'.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/