British Hedgehog Preservation Society declares victory over hedgehog change

The British Hedgehog Preservation* Society was set up in 1982 with one single, focused objective: to keep hedgehogs exactly the same. Today, the Society declared victory in this aim, pointing out that hedgehogs are still here and, incredibly, entirely unchanged from their original hedgehog state, almost forty years later.

"I think we can safely say," the Society said in a press release today, "that hedgehogs have been well and truly 'preserved'."

Detractors claim that this would probably have happened anyway. To this, the Society presents three objections:

1. Cattle grids. According to the Society, hedgehogs have always been magnetically attracted to cattle grids, often falling in, due to their manic desire to cross them and show off to prospective mates. Without the assistance of small the ramps and motorbikes provided by the Society, it is claimed that the entire hedgehog population would have ended up stuffed under cattle grids in a matter of years.

2. Comedy. In the early eighties, hedgehogs were routinely ridiculed on television, with one popular satirical program suggesting they be put in sandwiches. The Hedgehog Preservation Society fought against putting hedgehogs in sandwiches and, thanks to their efforts, very few people did this.

3. Addiction to social media. There have been no recorded incidents of hedgehog addiction to social media.

Given their victory and, after forty long years of battle, the Hedgehog Preservation Society has announced it is to close.

"It's been fun, and a challenge." said a spokesperson. "From now on, however, the spiky little bastards can take their chances on their own."

(*not to be confused with the British Hedgehog Preservative Society, which is something very different and widely banned, except in parts of Doncaster)

Image: Alexas_Fotos/Pixabay

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Hedgehogs prepared for yet another winter lockdown

With autumn now upon us, hedgehogs across the UK are being asked to self-isolate for up to six months.

Hedgehog Professor Giles Sonic said: 'No doubt there's a bumpy road ahead, but we need to flatten the curve and avoid another spike.'

Lake District housewife Mrs Tiggy-Winkle said that her family had faced this sort of lockdown many times before and were used to self isolating.

On the prickly subject of stockpiling, she had been gathering material for some time. 'I've been making a pile which leaves me comfortable. There's enough grub on the table, and I can curl up with a discarded Chris Packham paperback. I think we need an exit strategy, though. It's a wake-up call.'

Professor Sonic conceded this point, but concluded: 'We'll go under that bridge when we come to it.'

Image: Pixabay/Alexas_Fotos