2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line

Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.

Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.

'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

Man sweeping up leaves not wasting his time

With another major winter storm blowing across the country, a man has been busy sweeping up leaves, despite claims he’s ‘Sisyphean’ and ‘an idiot’. Derek Drummond said ‘The answer isn't blowing in the wind, it's leaves. What if some of them blow on to a railway line? That will mean HS2 goes another £10 billion over budget and is only able to serve Tory constituencies. I’d say about 52% of the leaves in my garden have left, with 48% remaining. The leaver leaves have made a mess all over the floor, so I’m helping the environment by sweeping these biodegradable leaves into a single use plastic bag.’ On hearing that there’s a lot of blow, Michael Gove was seen to noticeably perk up. Acquaintances say the prospect of snow drifts had him 'dancing like a Tory Bez'.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

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Boris to turn UK into giant Peppa Pig World

Having admitted his love for the children’s porcine favourite and the Hampshire Park she inhabits, Boris Johnson has said his intention is to turn all of the UK into a giant Peppa Pig World with fun and levelling up for all the family.

Speaking incoherently to a group of business leaders Boris said there was so much potential. “I know I’ve told a few porkies in my time, but this could really save my bacon. Daddy Pig’s Car Ride. What about it? I’ll tell you. It shows us the way forward. No more noisy brrrm brrrm. We save the planet at 5 mph on thousands of miles of electric track. Whoosh! Then we can ditch HS2 and give Grandpa Pig the train franchise. Choo! Choo! And then Peppa can join my team at Number 10. Probably a swine to work with but an upgrade on Cummings.”

At that point the PM lost his place, uttered something about trotting off, and walked straight into a broom cupboard. Asked for a comment, Keir Starmer said “And pigs might fly. This is a non-starter if it simply means more Tory snouts in the trough.”

image from pixabay

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