Braverman announces all new migrants to fight in Ukraine

Suella Braverman has dramatically announced that with immediate effect any migrants entering Britain via small boats will be conscripted to fight in Ukraine, under her command.

The shock new policy is part of a joint taskforce between Volodymir Zelensky and the British Government, with Braverman actually taking up an on-the-ground role directing Operations in the war-torn country.

"We have been invaded, of this there is no doubt." explained a spokesman for the Ukraine President yesterday to reporters, "Under these circumstances our namby pamby Generals and Colonels, they don't understand the seriousness of the situation - we need a person who really feels the danger of intruders invading your country, and Ms. Braverman, from what we understand, is that person. We hear she will fight ruthlessly to repel anyone from our borders - men, women or children - to her it does not matter. This is the kind of leader we need." -

Instead of supplying their own army to do this, and the President did offer, the Home Office have said they will provide a fighting fit force, particularly adept in small-boat manouvers, ready to start straight away and were being flown out of an "unmarked" army base in Manston in the UK, immediately. "We had no idea you had this kind of force ready to roll" commented the spokesman, "We thought Manston was some kind of centre for desperate refugees, but Suella told us in fact this is an invasion training base and they are ready to go within 24 hours."

The details of the policy were revealed in an email from Ms Bravermans hotmail account to reporters last night. "This Conservative government has always been a compassionate and caring Government", it read, "and we commit not only to accept our refugees with open arms, but we will provide them with the skills and training they need to be a success in life. This new policy, which is a joint effort between us and Ukraine, with additional donations also being provided from the Wagner group, will help us deliver for Britain".

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Braverman announces Caste system for all UK citizens

Home Secretary Suella Braverman has announced that from 2023 all citizens will be given new 'Brexit Caste' level, following the model that is used to define people in India.

The surprise announcement, made over an evening social gathering in the far right wing of the Birmingham conference center during the annual get together of Conservatives, will mean that each citizen will be given a caste, or 'level' within society that they cannot ultimately break out from.

While the Indian system focuses on the role played in life, for example the Vaishyas, who trade and do business while the Kshatriyas protect and administer the community or the country, the vision of Braverman is much simpler: there will be 'Illegal', 'Poor', 'Rich' and 'Absolutely loaded', plus a separate caste, 'Donor', which one can actually become at any time and from any other country, as long as they stump up enough money.

'This simple, clear understanding of how people contribute to Brexit Britain is going to make life a lot simpler and less bureaucratic' announced a spokeswoman for Ms. Braverman, 'and it will free us up from Europe and Human Rights and all those things that the British people just don't want.'

Pressed on the details, it seemed plans were still emerging but what was clear was that anyone of the 'Illegal' caste, normally who had arrived in Britain without a passport, be it by boat, air, land, or just had it nicked on holiday, would be send to Rwanda immediately, forever with a fiver to get them going. 'Poor' would be anyone not paying much tax, Northerners, most Nurses and Scotland. 'Rich' would be anyone with a lot of cash, generally fat wallet, lived in London and liked to large it on a Thursday down on the South Bank, while 'Absolutely loaded' was, she said 'self explanatory'.

'What we need is clear and simple rules.' she enthused 'poor people will make way in the street for rich people, simple things like that, which is what this country has been crying out for in terms of non European good old - almost Victorian - British standards.' She then produced a graph showing by 2024 the number of migrants entering Britain would be down to seven followed by a picture of a Union Jack to wild applause from the conference hall, but nearly tripped over a Nigerian lady cleaning the floor around her while she spoke.

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Thermos of tea and an understanding nod not enough for ungrateful Ukrainians

Priti Patel reacted angrily last night after accusations that Britain was not doing enough to help Ukrainian refugees.

‘Honestly, just because their entire country is being razed to the ground by a malignant, remorseless psychopath doesn’t mean they have the right to live a dignified life in a civilised country, or even Britain’

‘We’re doing everything within our power to help these people’, she explained, seemingly without irony, ‘we’ve already sent them six remaindered Millets sleeping bags plus the left over profiteroles from our last Downing Street work meeting, but still they want more.

I even offered some of them the chance for a photo-op with me in my Home Secretary puffa jacket when I was over there but for some reason they were more interested in finding food and shelter for their children and elderly relatives, the ungrateful bastards.

Listen, as the daughter of immigrants I understand entirely the position they are in. Which is why I think the only humane thing to do is let them freeze to death on the steps of a British consulate in the arse end of Poland.’

Despite this many Ukrainians are still planning to make the move to the UK. Asked why she was so keen, Julia, a refugee from Kharkiv explained ‘For me, Britain is the land of opportunity. If Gavin Williamson can earn himself a knighthood surely anyone can make it there.’

Image: Unsplash/Mitchell Orr