Immigration | NewsBiscuit

Braverman announces Caste system for all UK citizens

Oct 13

Home Secretary Suella Braverman has announced that from 2023 all citizens will be given new 'Brexit Caste' level, following the model that is used to define people in India.

The surprise announcement, made over an evening social gathering in the far right wing of the Birmingham conference center during the annual get together of Conservatives, will mean that each citizen will be given a caste, or 'level' within society that they cannot ultimately break out from.

While the Indian system focuses on the role played in life, for example the Vaishyas, who trade and do business while the Kshatriyas protect and administer the community or the country, the vision of Braverman is much simpler: there will be 'Illegal', 'Poor', 'Rich' and 'Absolutely loaded', plus a separate caste, 'Donor', which one can actually become at any time and from any other country, as long as they stump up enough money.

'This simple, clear understanding of how people contribute to Brexit Britain is going to make life a lot simpler and less bureaucratic' announced a spokeswoman for Ms. Braverman, 'and it will free us up from Europe and Human Rights and all those things that the British people just don't want.'

Pressed on the details, it seemed plans were still emerging but what was clear was that anyone of the 'Illegal' caste, normally who had arrived in Britain without a passport, be it by boat, air, land, or just had it nicked on holiday, would be send to Rwanda immediately, forever with a fiver to get them going. 'Poor' would be anyone not paying much tax, Northerners, most Nurses and Scotland. 'Rich' would be anyone with a lot of cash, generally fat wallet, lived in London and liked to large it on a Thursday down on the South Bank, while 'Absolutely loaded' was, she said 'self explanatory'.

'What we need is clear and simple rules.' she enthused 'poor people will make way in the street for rich people, simple things like that, which is what this country has been crying out for in terms of non European good old - almost Victorian - British standards.' She then produced a graph showing by 2024 the number of migrants entering Britain would be down to seven followed by a picture of a Union Jack to wild applause from the conference hall, but nearly tripped over a Nigerian lady cleaning the floor around her while she spoke.

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Image: mohamed_hassan | Pixabay

First published 13 Oct 2022

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Wrenfoe

Sep 9

The south coast rivalry as to who has the thickest hooligans is no contest, after the people of Portsmouth managed to injure police officers and damage property all in one night. Anti-immigrant protestors exchanged increasingly serious nods across vast distances until someone developed neck strain. This was followed by a bout of professional bin kicking and the hundred-metre Menacing Walk Cup.

The Pompey lads were miles ahead in the competitive pointing at things metric, spending six hours aggressively gesturing at the same bus stop until nobody remembered why. This was followed by the Standing About Trophy, where they leant against walls while looking vaguely threatening without actually doing anything.

The final victory went to whoever could carry an empty plastic bag around town for the longest time while acting as if it's extremely important. One anti-immigrant lout spoke out, between coke and booze sessions, ‘Me smash. Me smash good.’ Which is probably the most profound thing he ever said since failing his O-levels.

Image: WixAI

Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full

FlashArry

Jul 26

'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'

'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'

'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'

'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'

'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'