Immigration | NewsBiscuit

Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

4 hours ago

The south coast rivalry as to who has the thickest hooligans is no contest, after the people of Portsmouth managed to injure police officers and damage property all in one night. Anti-immigrant protestors exchanged increasingly serious nods across vast distances until someone developed neck strain. This was followed by a bout of professional bin kicking and the hundred-metre Menacing Walk Cup.

The Pompey lads were miles ahead in the competitive pointing at things metric, spending six hours aggressively gesturing at the same bus stop until nobody remembered why. This was followed by the Standing About Trophy, where they leant against walls while looking vaguely threatening without actually doing anything.

The final victory went to whoever could carry an empty plastic bag around town for the longest time while acting as if it's extremely important. One anti-immigrant lout spoke out, between coke and booze sessions, ‘Me smash. Me smash good.’ Which is probably the most profound thing he ever said since failing his O-levels.

Image: WixAI

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Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full

FlashArry

Jul 26

'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'

'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'

'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'

'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'

'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 26 Jul 2023

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Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest

deskpilot

Jul 24

The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.

Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’

A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:

• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change

Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’

Image: winjohn Photos | FreeImages