More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

'Is it too much to ask?' a spokesman said. 'All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can't expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven't been any crimes committed'.

Nigel Farage is understood to be 'baffled' by the low crime figures, given the number of 'men of fighting age' he has pointed at over the years. 'What's wrong with them?' the spokesman added. 'It's almost as if they aren't terrorists after all'.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter 'oh, for f*ck's sake' under their breath.

Image: Wix AI

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said. ‘All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can’t expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven’t been any crimes committed’.

Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘baffled’ by the low crime figures, given the number of ‘men of fighting age’ he has pointed at over the years. ‘What’s wrong with them?’ the spokesman added. ‘It’s almost as if they aren’t terrorists after all’.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter ‘oh, for f*ck’s sake’ under their breath.

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One in, one out policy doesn’t apply to animals

The Home Office has confirmed that the one in, one out policy for asylum seekers will not apply to animals.

A recent test case involved a foreign asylum seeker called Noah, who arrived in a small boat with lots of animals. Two of each kind of animal, in fact.  Officials considered deporting some of the animals under the one in, one out policy, but lawyers advised that this could be considered inhumane. They considered deporting Noah, but they didn’t fancy looking after all the animals. ‘That boat is pretty smelly,’ confided one Border Force official.

A spokesman said that the Home Office always kept its policies under review and that, although the agreement with France did not appear to extend to animals, it was arguable that it should. However, for the time being, Britain is not prepared to take a case to the European Court in order to get a definitive answer.

image from pixabay