Chipping Norton Massive to become proscribed organisation

The feared Chipping Norton Massive has been declared a proscribed organisation after ‘dancing aggressively’ in the general direction of JD Vance. In a separate incident, described by Government sources as ‘truly appalling’, the Vance party’s reservation at a posh pub in the Cotswolds was cancelled after staff refused to serve him because he’s a bell-end with a 23 car motorcade.

Several protestors – listed by the FBI as “Cotswolds’ Most Wanted” – waved placards containing ‘hurtful’ images of Vance as a balding fatty.

‘No public house should refuse service on grounds of bell-endery’, a Government spokesman said. ‘And hurtful images are a clear breach of, erm, the Terrorism Act. The UK and US share a Special Relationship and the Chipping Norton Massive appear to have forgotten which partner in this relationship uses the lube’.

We asked the Chipping Norton Massive for a statement but they were busy preparing for the Best Kept Village contest. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian wall-spaffing contest between Presidents Trump and Putin, Alaskan shopkeepers are reporting unprecedented sales of piano wire, gold paint, tamperable perfume bottles, lethal home entertainment lasers, and inflatable Saudi-linked embassies.

Raising suspicion that every Russian gangster, hoodlum, and hopeful is being mobilized on a one-chance murder mission should the Ukrainian president be allowed into the boardroom long after the competing snow sculptures of Trump and Putin’s penises have melted into base staffers' recurring night terrors, those left scrabbling for the last Aeroflot seats were forced to desperately purchase bicycles, wobbly ladders, plate glass windows, cans of paint and crates of chickens, in a misguided but laudable bid to nail their man and avoid their flight home ‘unfortunately’ steering directly into a mountain.

Responding to speculation about similarly unseasonably high tourism levels, a representative of the Alaska Tourism Board, muttering from behind a newspaper with two eye-holes cut in it, said: ‘I’m sure all these dead-eyed day-trippers are simply here to enjoy the sights, like the historic Elmendorf-Richardson military base chapel, whose corrugated iron roof reaches an impressive 5 metres above snow-level.

‘We did find a suspicious character sheltering inside the putrefying body of a dead cow cuddling a .22 rifle with “from mah clammy, fact-averse hands” scrawled on it, but it turned out to be JD Vance: he’s from the mid-West, I think it just reminded him of home.’

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series

The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show.

Foreign Secretary David Lammy and US Vice President JD Vance will, however, avoid more fishing trips unless they are fishing for drowned refugees in the Channel.

A BBC intern reflexively began apologising 'The BBC are very sorry that - what is it this time - oh, that Nigel Farage is not a semi-permanent guest on this show. Would a third buffoon tip things into top gear?'

'Anyway, look on the bright side. If Lammy and Vance are antiquing in Leicestershire, kite surfing in Dorset or picking up conversational Mandarin at a forced labour camp in Xinjiang, at least we're keeping them away from their day jobs and thus keeping the world a little safer.'

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash