Donald Trump – the new Emperor King

Many countries have figured out that Donald Trump loves to be flattered, and that it puts him in a good mood.  Less likely to impose tariffs, slag you off, invade, or send JD Vance to visit.  That sort of thing.

And many countries are also keen to avoid devaluing their honours systems by polluting them with The Donald.  So they are making up honours to award to the US President.  They know he doesn’t care about this, as long as there is an Instagrammable awards ceremony with some dignitaries, flags, military bands, movie stars and a procession. Ideally, all of the above.

So, France has bestowed on Donald Trump a shiny medal confirming that he is now a Champignon D'Honeur, one of the country’s highest, and tastiest, awards.  Belgium has presented him with the newly minted, but still highly coveted, Tintin award for bravery in the face of adverse media. 

Britain is to make the US President a LOBE (Legend of the British Empire). And in the world of fiction - which is one of Donald’s favourite places - he is to be awarded the Wisest of Wise Wizards award, which will be presented by Professor Dumbassdore of Hogwash University. 

This is all very childish, but if you take it all very seriously, then Trump will too.  It’s also a very cheap way to earn kudos with the President.  All for the cost of a shiny medal, a big silver trophy or a sparkly certificate.

Everyone’s doing it.  Even the uninhabited Heard and McDonald Islands are getting in on the act.  Despite the imposition of huge tariffs earlier this year, the penguins say that they understand that the tariffs are largely symbolic and have no impact in the real world.  Accordingly, they have voted to make Donald Trump their King Penguin of 2025.  Long live the King!

hat-tip Titus

Panic as Trump says he's entering his 'Final Form'

Scenes of panic and fear gripped the White House, and the watching US public, as Donald Trump delivered a terrifying vision of the future, yesterday. After the press conference commenced, Mr Trump suddenly seemed to hover a foot above the floor whilst screaming then ripped off his suit jacket and shirt revealing the dark discolouring on his hand seeming to rapidly grow up his arm and across his body.

As this happened, he began, in his usual tone, 'witness pitiful mortals, and you really are pitiful, everyone is saying it, as I enter my final vengeful form. It's a fantastic form, some people are saying it's the best form they've ever witnessed. I may get nominated for a Nobel Final Form Prize, we don't know yet. But whatever happens, we're going to get you, you can't hide. I'm the best seeker. Now, the countdown to your firing begins."

With this he suddenly spouted leathery, blackened wings and, with a fiery flourish, smashed through the Press Room window and was last seen perched atop the Washington Monument eyeing Hispanic passers-by.

The US Vice President, JD Vance, said, 'as usual our President shows us the way forward. We will be introducing legislation soon to encourage everyone to reach their demonic final form or be deported to the desperate pits of hell….' The conference was then interrupted by hellish screams coming from Washington Plaza. The President's team made a speedy retreat to confer on next steps.

This is a breaking story, more soon….

Image credit: perchance.org

Tarnation, boy, didn't no-one learn you no history?