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Keir Starmer has declared war on littering. His first salvo is an announcement that vehicles involved in fly-tipping would be crushed – occupied or not.


'Up to them, innit', he told reporters before taking a drag on his Marlboro. 'Best be quick though, them electromagnets can lift a jam about eighty feet in the air faster than you can shit yerself'.


Other measures against litterers include 'community snipers', paid on a bounty basis.


'Stands to reason dunnit', said the Prime Minister. 'We can use special forces or make it a genuine community affair and train little old ladies. Maybe get a brass band along, organise a Summer Fete, Morris dancers, that sort of thing. As long as the scumbags get the message, I don't care who pulls the f*cking trigger'.


When asked whether he was consciously trying to toughen up his image to stave off the threat from Reform, Starmer reacted angrily.


'Listen you slaag, we've tried playing nicely and the streets are full of shit. What do you want me to do, send 'em to Bruges first? Look at the swans and the canals? If that was me, if I'd dropped a used coke can in the street I'd top myself, on the spot. Crushing's too good for 'em'.


Community groups have expressed some reservations about the policy. The National Trust have pointed out that 'corpses are litter, too', the British Brass Band Association flat refuse to work with Morris dancers after that fiasco in Coventry and the Women's Institute have asked where they can sign up for training.


Image: WixAI



Convicted murderer, The Reverend Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2009.


Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.


However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged accusing Mum of being a serial cheat at all family board games.


Daughter Tamsin confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had a hotel on it.


Dad said: ‘You think you know someone and that they can be trusted, then they go and do something like this. It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’


But Mum was putting on a brave face. ‘They can say what they like. I’m not worried. At the end of the day, this is all just over a silly trivial pursuit.'



First published 25 April 2023


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In a briefing today at the White House, President Donald Trump, announced one of the central planks of new legislation he is to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.


‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases, rambled the at times completely incoherent president.  'A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened with having to listen to evidence. That's a bad system. It's the worst. People say that.


'Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they do is flood the court with their buddies. Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will simply ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.


‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough attendees, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty.'

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