The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.
“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.
“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”
The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.
Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”
image from pixabay
The first tranche of the Epstein files were released by the US Justice Department yesterday and shockingly revealed a decade long relationship between Epstein and popular UK Entertainer, Mr Blobby.
The nature of their relationship is unclear but flight logs showed that Mr Blobby was on a number of flights to Epstein Island. Further analysis into these flights showed that he jumped out of the plane prior to landing on a number of occasions; tried to take over piloting the plane; haphazardly served food and drinks to other celebrities; and tried to ride a drinks trolley out of the airplane door whilst carrying Bill Clinton on his shoulder.
A spokesman for Mr Blobby told us, "Mr Blobby regrets his relationship with Mr Epstein and witnessed no crimes being perpetrated. My client barely remembers being on the plane and has not had any contact with Mr Epstein since the mid-2000s. He had travelled as a guest of Bill Clinton as he was advising him on Foreign Policy at the time."
We reached out directly to Mr Blobby in person at his mansion in Surrey but he simply barged us hilariously out of the way whilst shouting, "BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY" before getting in a large chauffeur driven car. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.
image from Google Gemini