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Newsbiscuit Guide to the Kings of England

William the Conqueror: Notorious for being a boastful pub bore: "I came to this country with nothing, but I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become King of England!" No wonder the French called him Guillaume le Vainqueur.


Richard III: Suspicions were aroused when he turned the Tower into an Airbnb "with special rates for little princes".


Henry VIII: After five messy divorces, he finally saw the light and beheaded his marriage guidance counsellor.


George I: Got to be king after he sneaked in from Germany and placed a beach towel on the throne before the Stuart pretender had even made it across the Channel.


George III: Went mad for the last nine years so that future generations could have Regency furniture.


George V: Plagued by telemarketers, he changed his name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor "to be nearer the end of the phone book".


Edward VIII: Wallis Simpson came first in US competition "How to Survive the Great Depression" with her entry "Marry an English King".



Starmer hits out at Dissolution of the Monasteries

In his hardest-hitting tweet yet, Prime Minster Keir Starmer has criticised Henry VIII for his ‘uncalled-for, and frankly quite nasty’ conduct towards Catholics.


Starmer is believed to be gradually working his way through ‘bad things that have happened’ and is on course to finally do something about the Gaza genocide – for which Britain is an official Sponsor - ‘at some point in the late 21st or early 22nd century’, according to government sources.


Palestinian amputees, gradually wasting away as a consequence of the blockading of international aid, expressed gratitude that the horrors of the Dissolution were finally being recognised.



Picture credit: deep dream generator

Updated Seven Deadly Sins from the King Trump Bible



As Trump is an angry, lazy, vain, greedy, adulterous, gluttonous fraudster, a new “interpretation” of the original (and best) sins was needed. By using an alternative theory on the separation of church and state as written in the US constitution, the current US Government has issued the all-new deadly sins list. So in at number seven, here we go!


  • Empathy – This is definitely a weakness and shows basic lack of alpha-ness and should never be attempted.

  • Critical Thinking – Believe something, find opinions online that support it. These are your facts. Do not falter or back down. To do otherwise is now a sin. This is your life now.

  • Awareness – Something is only bad if it is bad to you directly. You have a nice safe bubble that is always right, all other bubbles are wrong and dangerous. Only listen to voices in your echo chamber.

  • Diversity – If something is different from you and your views, it is wrong and scary. God said so.

  • Equity – You don’t need to know what this means, it is just the middle letter in an abbreviation you have been told to hate.

  • Inclusion – In the bible, those two Corinthians must have said this at some point, “Screw you, I got mine” and I think we can all agree that is a valuable lesson to live by.

  • Integrity – The white Jesus said, do what I say, not what I do. I can do what I want, and you must do what I want you to do. Hypocrisy is your shield and ignorance is your sword.

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