To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas.
It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry complaining about the working Royals, Meghan making jam, and both of them talking about how difficult it is being rich and famous.
Although the King is looking forward to seeing more of his grandchildren, other members of the Royal Family are understood to be less enthusiastic.
The Prince of Wales is believed to have reacted to the news by saying: ‘Ginger and the Whinger coming back here? F*ck, no!’
It is also rumoured that Prince William is now considering joining Reform, having suddenly become very interested in their policies on immigration.
The reaction of Catherine, Princess of Wales, was, reportedly, ‘Oh, that’s such a shame. It’s been nice not having to worry about every family gathering becoming a six-part Netflix series.’
Meanwhile, Princess Anne is rumoured to have asked, ‘Why are they coming back? Did America run out of money? Did Donald kick Harry out?’
Neither Harry nor Meghan will resume their roles as working royals. This means that the Duke will remain a private individual while regularly appearing in documentaries explaining why he is no longer a working royal.
It is potentially awkward,’ said one royal correspondent. ‘Royal fans could soon be faced with a choice between the King’s organic biscuits and Meghan's raspberry jam, and wondering whether buying one of them constitutes taking sides.’
Filming for the couple’s new TV series is expected to begin soon. One Sky executive told us, ‘We’re only interested in getting an argument between Harry and William on camera. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll drop it after one series.’
Image credit: perchance.org
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A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.
We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.
'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.
He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.
'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.
'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'
Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'
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First published 31 Jul 2023
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