King | NewsBiscuit

'I was King in another world' claims Man with a van

Chipchase
Jul 31

A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.

We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.

'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.

He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.

'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.

'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'

Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'

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First published 31 Jul 2023

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King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation

Jeremynh
Jul 8

"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic.

"I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail.

"Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer.

"God knows how those duffers have screwed up the country while I slumbered. I doubt even a messianic figure like myself could sort out the wasteland they've left behind them."

"Ni!" said Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the Boris-made knights who like to say Ni, as the saviour-king emerged into 21st-century Britain.

"Look who it is! That dreadful oik, King Arthur."

image from pixabay

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Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

eppursimuove
May 17

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.

The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.

He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.

The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.

The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.

A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.

Image from NewsBiscuit archive

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