Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand gaffs,
He stacked them up til they hit the news,
And he tried to shut them down
And when they were news, they were news,
And when they were gagged, they were gagged,
And when they are only halfway gagged,
They're a nightmare for the crown
Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.
Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.
The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.
Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers. Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.
‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.
‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere. It's all around you. Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do. If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.
‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.
Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment. Â
Image credit: perchance AI
William the Conqueror: Notorious for being a boastful pub bore: "I came to this country with nothing, but I pulled myself up by my bootstraps to become King of England!" No wonder the French called him Guillaume le Vainqueur.
Richard III: Suspicions were aroused when he turned the Tower into an Airbnb "with special rates for little princes".
Henry VIII: After five messy divorces, he finally saw the light and beheaded his marriage guidance counsellor.
George I: Got to be king after he sneaked in from Germany and placed a beach towel on the throne before the Stuart pretender had even made it across the Channel.
George III: Went mad for the last nine years so that future generations could have Regency furniture.
George V: Plagued by telemarketers, he changed his name from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to Windsor "to be nearer the end of the phone book".
Edward VIII: Wallis Simpson came first in US competition "How to Survive the Great Depression" with her entry "Marry an English King".
Image: talpeanu - Pixabay
