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More misery for Johnson as Larry the Cat resigns from Cabinet



It has been a bad week for the PM following multiple resignations by senior chief of staff and communications officers at Downing Street. But the crisis was made even worse overnight by the resignation of one of Boris Johnsons most loyal and trusted allies….Larry the cat.


Larry has not only been a confidant and close friend of the Prime Minister throughout his two years in office but has helped shape policy and influence decision making regarding Brexit, Covid and the economy. But Larry told reporters that he had been appalled by recent comments made by the PM it was now time to go.


‘Like countless others before me I often shared a bed with Boris….so I got to know what really motivates him and makes him tick….believe me, it is not pleasant.


'He loves to be adored and pampered and fussed over. …I couldn’t get a look in. We cats are known for being able to pleasure our own arse as part of our grooming regime….but we can’t hold a candle to the obsequious Tory sycophants and unctuous enablers who still support this lying, mendacious clown ….slavering over his gaping sphincter and mopping up his excess bowel movements like it was manna from heaven.


'Well…enough is enough. I am one of the few remaining at Number 10 who can leave with their head held high and dignity still intact….even though I have just shit in Nadine Dorries handbag and left a fur ball in Rishi Sunaks jar of Brylcreem.


I have now emptied my litter in-tray and taken my last shit in the rose garden.


And if Carrie is wondering who scratched the fuck out of that tawdry wallpaper.........'


Porcelain figurine industry in turmoil as wholesale price of tat skyrockets


The porcelain figurine industry, essential for the domestic fancy glass cabinet market, is in turmoil after the wholesale price of tat skyrocketed. Figurine sector analysts, who are probably the most anal analysts in the world, have confirmed that the key material which goes into the fabrication of objet pas d'art has increased in price threefold over recent months. Oh the humanity.


The industry regulator, Oftat, blamed the government for introducing a price cap on what customers pay for figurines. The government absolved itself of all responsibility saying, 'No one could have seen this coming.' When that argument was easily smashed to smithereens, the government shifted its position to

pointing the finger at Larry the Downing Street Cat because everyone knows cats are always to blame when precious things come crashing down.


But the analysts remain adamant that the price has been artificially inflated by an evil dictator who runs a warehouse in Margate. 'After breaking up the monopolistic control of the original nationalised industry, the UK figurine market was poorly reconstructed on false ideologies of private competition. But the government then left the door wide open to complete monopolistic control from an external operator with the power to turn off the entire tat pipeline.'


'The situation as it stands right now is precariously balanced and extremely fragile.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stux-12364/





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