Presenters lined up to faint for all future TV debates

TV companies are working to arrange "fainting on cue" for future TV debates.

A spokesman explained; "When you've got a pair of bell ends spouting nonsense, there's only so much that you can expect the audience to sit through. We got lucky with Kate McCann, but for future debates we're working on a scheme of employing people with blood pressure or diabetic issues. When we feel the debate should be stopped, we pipe Jacob Rees-Mogg fantasising about Brexit benefits into the presenter's earpiece. Experiments show that does the trick in around 30 seconds."

image from pixabay

Tories hope to tempt Stuart Hall out of retirement for It's a Knockout stage of leadership election

In the hope of renewing interest in the fortunes of a disgraced parliamentary cabal, spin doctors have advised the Tory party to add more bizzazz to the knockout stage of the leadership election process, by instead of having the traditional debate between the candidates about what they have to offer and why they should be the next party leader, the knockout should take the form of the It's a Knockout competition that bored TV viewers senseless during the 60s and 70s, but might entertain if the contestants were people seen to be getting their comeuppance for the part they played in supporting a charlatan.

Key to the success of the venture will be having it hosted by Stuart Hall, whose contageous laughter at the slapstick antics of the competitors is seen as the only reason for the programme's puzzling longevity. Stuart Hall's conviction for being a notorious kiddy fiddler was not seen as an obstacle by any of the MPs we spoke to, some of whom appeared surprised that anyone would find kiddy fiddling offensive.

Not all is lost for Boris

A caretaker function for Boris is not the right description as ours has to fix things, as part of his job.

Still not all is lost. After the catering lady left her position it's understood Boris managed to find the manual for the Teasmade. He remarked, ‘I have a whiteboard for the list of names for sugar and milk, which can be rewritten at short notice. AND the missus can bake delicious scones (or scons), whatever.’

story by: syntaxerror01

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jillwellington-334088/