EXCLUSIVE: deadly spy at the heart of Westminster corridors of power NAMED

Chinese authorities have confirmed that a spy, operating at the heart of British government, has breached the highest levels of security and poses a clear and present danger to the nation.

A senior Chinese official confirmed, 'We have identified the spy in question and name her as Liz Truss. She has infiltrated UK politics and has done more damage to Britain than any other subversive individual in history. Working together with another as yet unnamed operative, she destroyed the UK economy in an astonishingly short period of time.

'Although she has close links to Chinese pork markets, she is not actually a Chinese spy on our hidden books. She has, however, single-handedly done more damage to one of our enemies than our entire clandestine community in its entire history of operation. For that, we wish to award her our highest honour: the Chinese medal of meddling.'

Image: Chris Yang (@chrisyangchrisfilm) | Unsplash Photo Community

Cost of lettuces that outlast Prime Ministers now 20% higher than inflation

In a move hoped to prevent newspapers using their produce for ridiculing ridiculous Prime Ministers, the Lettuce Growers Association has urged its members to increase the cost of lettuces by an above inflation amount. A spokespicker for the association said that although they thought the fact their lettuces last longer than Tory Prime Ministers was a fair comparison, it had damaged lettuce sales.

'We are proud of our quality produce and want everyone, especially children to enjoy a healthy diet, but the newspaper campaign was putting kids off lettuces. Parents were writing to use saying their kids were having nightmares on days they tried to make them eat lettuce because of the association with Liz Truss' the spokespicker told us. 'The only way we could prevent a recurrence, was to increase the price, so newspaper hacks would think twice before trying the stunt again.'

'BLTs be damned!'

Elsie Watts, who works in a newspaper accounts department, countered that the stunt was unlikely to be repeated. Watts rejected such a similar expense claim on the grounds that she didn’t think anyone would pay a thousand quid for a lettuce. 'It might work for MPs expenses' she said, 'but I can’t risk it here. It's more than my job's worth, particularly if we hacked the lettuce's answer phone.'

Image: Mae Mu (@picoftasty) | Unsplash Photo Community

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