'Hatzolah? I thought it was Hezbollah!' says Netanyahu

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London.

The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah.

Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Lebanon was relatively accurate.

'Of course we’re shocked and upset,' said a spokesman for north London’s Jewish community. 'Then again, the actions of Israel have always been enormously damaging to diaspora Jews, and it’s never made us reconsider our unthinking support. So I can’t imagine it will now,'

Another spokesman said it was one of the darkest days in recent Jewish history, though it turned out he hadn’t heard about the ambulances, and was talking about Spurs losing 3-0 to Nottingham Forest.

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0 MPH speed limit to be introduced in Central London

The London Mayor's Office has announced forthcoming legislation that will see all motorists in centre of the capital having to observe a strict 0 mph speed limit from January 1st 2027.

A spokesperson told reporters: 'We have seen fine revenues dropping significantly as more motorists have become used to adhering to the 20 mph limit. There was some call to reduce that to 10 mph but in the end we decided to go the whole hog.

'So from next year anyone found driving any motor vehicle that moves at all, no matter if it’s only 0.5 mph, they will be photographed simultaneously by forty different cameras and automatically receive a summons in their email within five seconds of the offence being committed.'

When reporters suggested that once again the motorist was being used as a cash cow to raise stealth taxes for the government to piss up the wall on mad schemes like the Northern Powerhouse, the spokesperson was quick to defend the move.

“Not at all. This is purely driven by safety first and foremost. It may interest you to know that if a car runs over a pedestrian’s head, even if it’s going at a snail’s pace then death will be inevitable. Compare that statistic to 100% of people that don’t get struck by a stationary motor vehicle and come to no harm whatsoever.'

Reacting to the news - should the scheme prove to be successful then it will be rolled out to other major cities, boorish oaf Jeremy Clarkson said: “It's utter bollocks. This madness won’t make any difference. Traffic in Central London has been totally gridlocked since 1979.

Photo by Mahibul Hasan Fahim on Unsplash