Two billion on Tommy Robinson march - numbers swelled by migrants

Official auditors for the Tommy Robinson march on Saturday, accountants Yaxley, Lennon and McCartney have confirmed the numbers and claim the higher than expected turnout is due to immigrants, particularly those arriving on small boats.

Border Control confirms the increase in irregular migrants arriving in the past week.  'They've been making a bee-line for London, claiming they're here just for Tommeh.  They're no trouble, just enjoying the vibe,' said a spokesman.  'I expect they'll be leaving later in the week with their London souvenirs and St George flags.  They like to take them back to Syria as George was a local, wasn't he?' he added.

hat tip to TechGuy 

Image:https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/

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Record low crime Saturday (except London)

Police forces across the UK were reporting the quietest Saturday afternoon in recent years today. Football matches passed off without any incidents, and violence and road rage was at an all time low.

"It's a mystery" said DI Dixon of Lutonshire Constabulary. "Normally we have our hands full of drunken yobs on Saturday afternoon, but today, nada. It's lovely."

However, we cannot be sure this was the story across the entire UK, as the London Metropolitan police did not answer our calls, with a recorded message describing them as "exceptionally busy right now".

National Trust to acquire Kray twins' childhood home

Traditionalists are up in arms as the National Trust negotiates to acquire the house in East London where the Kray twins grew up.

‘The National Trust is supposed to take on stately homes when the landed gentry fall on hard times,’ spluttered an ageing military type. ‘The family continues to live in one wing, and the garden gets opened to the hoi polloi.  And the Trust opens a café and a shop and makes a fortune from selling overpriced baked potatoes and plants that might be from the gardens, but actually came from a wholesaler in Wigan.

‘The National Trust shouldn’t be celebrating the criminal underworld and the black economy and the lower classes. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

A spokesman for the Trust defended the decision.  He said, ‘Some very big blokes turned up at the meeting, and they explained in considerable detail what might accidentally happen if we didn’t make a generous offer for the house.  All those present agreed that the cultural significance and historical perspectives were absolutely aligned with the Trust's values, and that we were keen to buy, even at the slightly challenging price that we were quoted.  And, in addition, everyone was quite keen to keep all their fingers.'

If the acquisition by the National Trust goes through, displays in the house will include a timeline of the Kray twins' illustrious careers, with signposting to organisations offering support with mental health issues.  Victims of the Krays will be recruited as stewards to give an authentic visitor experience. There will be a small exhibition of the Kray twins' little known collection of Japanese sashiko embroidery and some of their weaponry.  A Trust spokesman said that, in keeping with the theme, admission charges to the house will be ‘criminal’.

The attraction will be marketed with an affectionate take-off of the Bob Hoskins gangster film ‘The Long Good Friday’, provisionally titled ‘The Long Bank Holiday Monday’.

image from Google Gemini

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