Tom was disappointed when the inflatable woman he’d ordered was delivered…

Gas engineer definitely going to arrive while you’re taking a dump

The engineer booked to carry out the annual service on your boiler is definitely going to arrive during the 2 minutes you decide you absolutely must go and have a dump, it has been confirmed.

Despite offering you a ludicrously wide 8-hour window in which they will turn up, the knock on the door will come at precisely the moment that you have leave your watch post by the kitchen window to snap out a huge brown trout, stinking the whole house out.

The knock will leave you scrambling to spray some air freshener and open all the windows in the house, before attempting to blame the plumbing for a ‘weird smell’ as the engineer bravely attempts not to retch as they check the radiator in your bathroom.

‘We don’t like to leave anyone hanging. Well, ok, in that sense we do’, explained Mike McBride, Head of Scheduling at UK Boiler Services. ‘Our booking algorithm takes account of dietary habits, stress, and existing bowel conditions to give us a very precise estimate of when each customer will need to see off an old friend to the coast’.

‘At that point our engineer will be immediately notified, and he’ll break land speed records to arrive at your house from just round the corner where he’s been sat in his van all morning having a leisurely coffee.’

‘Our system really is second to none’, continued McBride. ‘Or should that be turd to none?’

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Man Finds Inner Strength to End Self-Improvement Journey and Accept Being Sack of Sh*t

After struggling through an arduous and exhausting self-improvement journey that involved trying to learn new things as well as experimenting with hobbies that left him feeling highly fatigued and ultimately unfulfilled, Nathan Winters, 47, officially declared that he has reached the end of his 4-day long attempt to improve himself as a human being.

Nathan's fragmented and unfocused goals came to an abrupt conclusion last week when he had the epiphany that he should be more accepting of himself and his limitations while allowing things to take their natural course.

"I realized I was fighting a mid-life crisis, and that's why I was engaging in all these crazy and pointless activities like jogging, riding a bicycle to work, obtaining a gym membership, maintaining a balanced diet, reading books, socializing with other people, and participating in community events," Nathan confessed.

Immediately after explaining how he finally found the inner strength to throw away the self-help literature he was reading and resume the nightly consumption of alcohol that has suited him quite well for the past 25 years, Nathan made it a sincere point to add the words, "F*ck That Sh*t!"

Satisfied that his time-consuming struggle for self-actualization has finally ended with the realization that trying to change himself was the wrong thing to do, the 47-year-old happily concluded that he will make a triumphant return to being a mediocre sack of shit immediately after he wakes up on the kitchen floor of his house surrounded by crushed beer cans and half-consumed bottles of liquor.

Photo by the blowup on Unsplash