Man weirdly insistent on people knowing he won’t be watching the Olympics

As coverage of the Paris Olympics ramps up, one man has also ramped up his social media presence to inform and educate the population at large that he definitely won’t be tuning in. Taking a delightfully contrarian twist, it turns out Mick Phillips won’t be watching the Olympics and has previously expressed distaste at other popular and well ingrained cultural phenomenon.

‘I’ve effortlessly pivoted from constant updates about how I won’t be watching the Euro24 tournament to broadcasting my complete lack of interest of the Olympics.’ Phillips announced.

‘The Euro 24 stuff was actually quite engaging, I made an observation about how it’s just 11 men chasing a ball; I think there was some social commentary as well when I referenced how much they get paid compared to nurses.’

When questioned on the obvious fuck-up in his maths, Phillips responded ‘There’s 22 players in total? Well... Just goes to show I definitely wasn’t watching.’

‘I’m not embarrassed by that.’ he repeated to himself, several times.

Although Williams was unsure what the overall endgame of his posts would be, that hasn’t discouraged him from posting his lack on interest in numerous online sporting forums and news sites.

When asked if they had a response to Williams’ disinterest in the event, one sports enthusiast responded ‘Mike Phillips won’t be watching? That’s fine, that was always allowed.’

At press time, Phillips was seen posting “Who?” in several articles about a ubiquitous, internationally recognised singer.

image from pixabay

Billericay boy, Barry, boasts Brexit brought bountiful, bright, better Britain

Billericay Costermonger, Barry Shyte, is a man on a mission to highlight every last Brexit Benefit that's come the UK's way since June 24th 2016.

'It's been bloody brilliant, ain't it?' enthuses the fifty-five year-old fruit and veg man from behind his stall in the marketplace. 'Some say we're in a much worse position as regards all this global trading stuff and that. But I don't buy that old pony. It's bleedin' Project Fear all over again.'

When asked to name one single tangible benefit Barry said, 'Well there's the... erm... No hang on. Ah, what about stopping all them old foreigners and refu... no I can't say that, can I? Cos of the woke brigade and do-gooders whinging on.

'Got it. I read we're now able to control the minting of sovereigns with the new King on them, or summink like that. Gotcha there mate, didn't I? Them Brussels Bureaucrats wudda put the kybosh on that. I say - Bring back Boris!'

'I was King in another world' claims Man with a van

A man with a van says he got more than he bargained for when doing a recent Billericay house clearance. Dave Collins claims he was magically transported to a fantasy land where he lived as King for two decades.

We caught up with Dave and his business partner Steve.

'There was this big wardrobe in a bedroom. So I opens the door, like, and next thing I'm standing in a snowy wood along with some little geezer a bit like a horse who tells me his world's going down the shitter and needs my help,' Mr Collins says.

He insists twenty years then passed during which he joined forces with a godlike talking lion named Alan to fight an evil Ice Queen, ending up leading an army of magical creatures in a fierce battle against her forces of evil.

'We offed the Ice Queen, I was crowned King, married this well-fit princess bird and was living happily ever after until one day I wandered into a room in my palace and the wardrobe was there. I touched the door and was suddenly back in Billericay.

'Steve says I'm talking bollocks because he'd only just shot down the chippy for five minutes to get us a couple of pies for lunch. So how could all that time have passed? But it's true. Honest.'

Sipping a coffee Steve comments: 'I know Dave swears this really did happen, but as I told him at the time. Maybe lay off the wacky backy when we're at work, mate?'