Everything is a bit like Jesus, confirms parish priest

Your local parish priest reckons absolutely everything happening in the world is rich pickings for an analogy to Jesus and His work, it has been confirmed. In recent weeks, Father Michael O’Brien, 53, has used the war in Ukraine, the Final of the Apprentice, the World Snooker Championships and two magpies sat on a tree in his garden as fodder for his sermons, with stretched metaphors to God leaving his congregation looking increasingly perplexed. ‘I watched the Man City v Liverpool game last Sunday with anticipation and foreboding’ noted O’Brien, in his latest missive from the pulpit. ‘Like our Lord, both teams were striving to ‘be their best’, but doubting themselves. Pep Guardiola was no doubt swearing at the players at half time and overturning the tables in his ‘temple just like Jesus did when he was a young man. And wasn’t it just like our Saviour’s attempt to reach out to his disciples when the Liverpool goalie literally reached out to tip that shot over the bar?’ O’Brien has already penned the next few weeks’ sermons for his congregation, finding God somewhere in the council elections, the Queen’s jubilee and the first round of Britain’s Got Talent. ‘Even this crappy little satirical piece you’ve written mocking my sermons is a bit like Jesus, isn’t it?’, said O’Brien earnestly. ‘The second flabby paragraph with no real gags is like Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. And then there’s a sort of joke and hidden message here where I’m mocking myself - not unlike Jesus mocking himself in the garden of Gethsemane’. ‘Will there be a fantastic end - similar to the second coming of Jesus - with a pithy killer punchline?’, said O Brien. ‘Ah, sadly, it seems not’.

Jesus Christ God - Free image on Pixabay

Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United

In a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

Many in Westminster think Miliband should be more focused on national issues but Labour supporters have said solving the crisis at Old Trafford was a more pressing concern. One Shadow Cabinet member commented: ‘With Chelsea resurgent and Arsenal looking more balanced, Ed can’t afford to be complacent. Yes, we have a battling midfield presence like Ed Balls, but we’ve also got Ed Balls as a potential Chancellor of the Exchequer. Frankly I’d rather leave him on the pitch, he’ll cause less damage there.’

Unveiling his vision of the future, Miliband’s spokesman made it very clear that it was ‘jam tomorrow, if by tomorrow you mean 3,650 days later’. However, many commentators are curious as to why Miliband needs such an inordinate amount of time to do his job properly.

A spokesman explained: ‘Ed’s not the fastest learner. He sees himself more as the Special Needs Prime Minister - deserving all the opportunities as any normal Prime Minister, but just with 25% extra time in exams.’ By contrast the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has claimed that should he become PM he will require only half the usual time to screw things up.

Louis Van Gaal has already given a cautious welcome to the offer of six national goals, but said it would make no difference if Miliband continued to ship more own goals. In other promises, meanwhile, Miliband has offered to sort out your plumbing, resolve the problems in the Middle East and combat the causes of ennui within a ten-year window.

However, fixing United will definitely be his primary electioneering issue. A spokesman said: ‘Ed knows what it can be like being Phil Neville, living in the shadow of a more talented brother. Equally he knows more than most how hard it is to follow a pugnacious Scot, who hangs on to power one season too long.’