A Sunderland man promised tough new targets on items going in and out of his 4-shelf household Hotpoint freezer today, in a clear the air summit with his wife over the domestic division of labour.
 Steve Vickers, 36, pledged to reduce the number of individual items to 'hundreds', committed to a deep clean of the bottom tray, and aimed to implement a system of chucking fish items out after the recommended three months - only if he retained control over freezer duties in future.
'A combination of cheap pieces of cod from the Baltics, 3 for 2 offers at Asda on Ben and Jerry's, and your annual commitment in January - never followed through, I might add - to eating more Quorn have created unsustainable pressure on the shelves', argued Vickers defensively to his wife. Responding to the charge that the freezer door wouldn't shut properly, he announced that 'what is needed is a root and branch review and one of them big retro Smeg freezers, like Dave and Nicky have next door.'
'Steve has no credibility on freezers', sighed his wife Samantha. 'The main problem is all that random 'meat' in there from the raffle him and Dave won down the King's Head - why are we storing it all?Â
'His record on household chores is dreadful,' added Samantha. 'He does bins, admittedly, but Jesus, does everyone know about it when he does. Mansplaining about which plastics can be recycled does not constitute a coherent plan for getting this house into shape. In the time that it takes him to deliver his classic stump speech about being 'tough on grime, tough on the causes of grime', I've cleaned the bathroom, done three loads of washing and emptied the dishwasher.'
Image credit: Wix AI
Couples across the globe in uproar as Pope Leo announces his first major proclamation as new pope: Marriage's will no longer be carried out or permitted by the Catholic faith. The shocking news came via a spokesperson for the Pope: "The Bible is pretty clear on this, it's Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Sarah, not Marcus and Eve, not Peter and Pete.."
The spokesperson continued in this manner for several hours before finishing with: "Just Adam and Eve, and they're long dead so no more marriages, even if one of you is pregnant out of wedlock. You'll just have to pretend you don't know and find excuses to drink heavily, like we used to."
Critics of the Pope are divided across the political spectrum, with the Left struggling to find fault given that it technically doesn't discriminate by gender or sexual orientation, and the Right struggling to find reasons to call the policy woke given that it's technically a ban on Gay Marriage.
One young groom to be who wished to stay anonymous had the following to say: "This is ridiculous, my girlfriend and I have been waiting for years for the right moment to get married, and now we'll never have our happy little family. Now I'm stuck with my wife and kids. What is this, China?"