God has posted a missing persons report to the Metropolitan police after realising that the scheduled Second Coming hasn't happened. 'I knew there was a problem when He didn't phone home - He had agreed to let it ring three times,' God said today. Despite the Second Coming being anticipated year after year after year for approximately two thousand years, acolytes seemingly didn't notice it hadn't occurred yet again.
A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police confirmed it was investigating a missing person, but refused to confirm whether a dusky-skinned young man without recognised ID had been arrested and had been scheduled to be deported to Rwanda. A solicitor acting for the man read a prepared statement, which said, 'Christ, I've been crucified. Again. I don't mind Rwanda so much, but please don't ever make me talk t Braverman one more time'.
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/
The City has reacted badly to reports that Rishi Sunak was attacked by a Field mouse
and is hiding inside a doll’s house in the attic of No 10. Police say the Prime Minister went into combat with the beast armed only with a sewing needle and a shirt button. The titanic struggle took place in a deep pile carpet beneath a chair in the Cabinet room. MI5 believe the mouse entered No 10 through a drainpipe.
News of the clash comes as the OBR predicts Mr Sunak will shrink by 1.4% in 2023. The PM contracted sharply in December, leaving him vulnerable to inquisitive cats, hungry birds, and civil servants who don’t watch where they’re putting their feet.
Police have urged tiny people not to take matters into their own hands. If you are attacked by a mouse, you should find your nearest teapot and dial 999.