Fuelled by the biggest spike in vinyl sales in over thirty years, record companies are poised to reintroduce another piece of early technology aimed at fleecing music geeks and easily-led impressionable trendy fools.
A spokesperson for the British Phonographic Industry told reporters, 'We're so excited to confirm that from January, most artists will see their work released in the usual formats, but in addition, a new version will be offered comprising an antique wax cylinder copy of the music, along with a wind up device to play it on and an ivory listening trumpet attachment.
'We're also delighted to say big acts like Harry Styles and Taylor Swift's work will give the public a further opportunity to purchase a real life Fox Terrier as their very own listening chum. All new "Nippers" have been cloned using DNA samples taken from the legendary deceased HMV dog. This deluxe package costing a mere £1850.'
Audiophile and pretentious prize pillock, Gyles Mallard said; "Oh, yah. One hears absolutely every nuance possible. It's like being in the same room as the act. The cylinder captures it all in stunningly drab, scratchy, monophonic detail. And if you ask me, a cost of £1850 is entirely worth it to get that extra listeneing experience. Honestly, I'd happily pay double and consider it a bargain.'
When asked for his opinion, Noel Gallagher said: 'It's total bollocks, man. But, hey, if a proportion of them sales come our way... then why not?'
Image: KlausHausmann - Pixabay
In a legal first, the right thumb of legendary Level 42 Bassist, Mark King, is to sue its owner for sustained cruelty, mistreatment and loss of earnings spanning a period of over forty years.
The thumb told Rolling Stone: 'I've had enough. For as long as i can remember he's been bashing the living daylights out of me and knocking me against steel cables without so much as even a thought for my wellbeing. His behaviour has been callous in the extreme. Why couldn't he just use a plectrum like many other bassists?
'Do you know that he once had me insured for £3 million pounds. Well precious little I saw of that, I can tell you.
When he's been getting all the plaudits, not to mention the money, over the years all I've been getting is appalling treatment with nothing to show for being integral in creating his so-called "sound".'
Showbiz legal hotshots are watching developments in the case closely, as they believe that should the thumb's lawsuit prove successful then the floodgates will open with many other celebrity body parts trying their luck through the courts.
Already said to be high on the list are Mick Jagger's lips, Kylie Minogue's bum and Dolly Parton's breasts.
There are also as yet unconfirmed reports, that in a preemptive move, a crack legal team has already been briefed by Donald Trump's penis.
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