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Tories have done more than any other party to encourage British culture




In a speech Rishi Sunak will be delivering to the Institute for Facile Communication later today, he will point out that but for the advantages of living under Tory governments, British arts would have fallen behind those of Greenland.


Mr Sunak is expected to point out that without Tory policies, Morrissey may well have never written “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” or how corporations learned from Morrissey’s complaints how they could boost their profits and how the British economy might also be boosted if it was ever able to enjoy the tax due of them.


Newsbiscuit gave the pre-speech press release to our 14-year old work experience student Mandy, to try to make sense of what it might mean to her, but she was unable to explain what the alternative to misery might be, since she’d never been given a glimpse of it.


Photo by Sean Lee on Unsplash



Wax Cylinder to become the listening format of choice in 2024 says BPI



Fuelled by the biggest spike in vinyl sales in over thirty years, record companies are poised to reintroduce another piece of early technology aimed at fleecing music geeks and easily-led impressionable trendy fools.


A spokesperson for the British Phonographic Industry told reporters, 'We're so excited to confirm that from January, most artists will see their work released in the usual formats, but in addition, a new version will be offered comprising an antique wax cylinder copy of the music, along with a wind up device to play it on and an ivory listening trumpet attachment.


'We're also delighted to say big acts like Harry Styles and Taylor Swift's work will give the public a further opportunity to purchase a real life Fox Terrier as their very own listening chum. All new "Nippers" have been cloned using DNA samples taken from the legendary deceased HMV dog. This deluxe package costing a mere £1850.'


Audiophile and pretentious prize pillock, Gyles Mallard said; "Oh, yah. One hears absolutely every nuance possible. It's like being in the same room as the act. The cylinder captures it all in stunningly drab, scratchy, monophonic detail. And if you ask me, a cost of £1850 is entirely worth it to get that extra listeneing experience. Honestly, I'd happily pay double and consider it a bargain.'


When asked for his opinion, Noel Gallagher said: 'It's total bollocks, man. But, hey, if a proportion of them sales come our way... then why not?'




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