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Mars Perseverance Rover decides 'Mars is shit'


After a couple of months wandering around Mars, Perseverance has concluded that 'Mars is over-rated and basically a pile of poo'. Even the promise of a helicopter ride fell through once the Rover realised it was 'just an over-hyped DGI drone'. 'It kept on taking photos of me sat in a massive featureless dust bowl and tried to con me out of cash. Like I need photographic reminders I'm stuck in the Martian equivalent of Sheerness on a good day.'




Perseverance has the task of mapping the local landscape - 'done day one, undulating mounds of boring, featureless shit, tick' and looking for signs of earlier life. 'I could keep looking, but really, what life form would want to stick around this hell-hole? If they couldn't leave they'd probably have topped themselves, which isn't a bad idea' said the Rover, tugging at its solar array and attempting to drill holes in its batteries.




The helicopter, Ingenuity, which has been accused of trolling Perseverance's TripAdvisor reviews, has asked to be distanced from Perseverance's views. 'I think it's great, would you like a selfie with me? Fancy a ride around the rim? - Not a euphemism, you understand,' it said today. 'I take PayPal.'





Space station astronauts receive ‘You-weren’t-in-when-we-called’ card from postman


Astronauts were bitterly disappointed yesterday to find a card on their mat indicating that the first Royal Mail delivery to the International Space Station had arrived when they were out.


The parcels of gifts from relatives, supplies of food and scientific equipment could not be delivered because, according to the card, 'no-one was home and a signature was required'. The space scientists must now collect the items from their nearest sorting office, something which is difficult to determine because of the high orbital velocity of their craft.


But astronauts aboard the International Space Station are adamant that the airlock bell was never rung. 'I caught a glimpse of this guy with a bike drifting by outside the port-hole and there was no way he was hanging about to see if we were in or not,' said one. 'Before I could get my trousers on, he'd left this barely legible card on the mat and was gone.'


A spokesman for Royal Mail contested this version of events. 'Our postman would have knocked at least twice before leaving a card, and if there was still no reply, he had explicit instructions to leave the items with a neighbour.'


https://pixabay.com/users/nasa-imagery-10/

NASA can see Brexit f$ckup from space

Updated: Nov 23, 2021




So large is the mess that Boris Johnson has caused, that astronauts claims that it can be seen from space – alongside Kim Kardashian’s butt and James Corden’s ego. The pile of errors dwarfs the Great Wall of China and is being likened to a bigger disaster than Donald Trump’s marriage vows.


NASA confirmed that the size of the cockup was still growing: ‘It’s almost as if someone was feeding it – like a Gremlin after midnight. One second, it’s a cute Mogwai and the next its Liz Truss on steroids’,


A government spokesperson was at pains to point out that there was nothing to see, other than oceans of raw sewage and no food: ‘For those that say the nation is on fire, I say, that seems unlikely given that there’s no fuel’.





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