There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes.
The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded.
'The three heavily armed soldiers advanced on the ship's bridge armed with their British made Forest Products Sustainable Wooden Gun Replicas, shouting Bang!, just like in Dad's Army. Minimal resistance was overcome by offering the crew cheap cigarettes and traditional British beer, probably Oranjeboom or Fosters.
'Twenty men were recovered from the water and eighteen of these were later found to be asylum seekers. The trebuchet performed extremely well, and will be fitted with new and stronger elastic bands for next time. Military experts will now consider if marine helicopters could, in future, be launched by trebuchet to save fuel.
'The seized ship was directed to Maplin Sands where it was successfully run aground in a wetland wildlife sanctuary. All aboard were successfully returned to land with the valued assistance of the RNLI. The RSPB is advising on the best way to get the ship's cargo of oil ashore without damaging the wetland habitat.
'This glorious story underlines the heroic achievements of the British military and the grit, pluck and determination of its troops. It also confirms that there is definitely no crisis with military funding, morale, weapons, intelligence or leadership. Everything is just tickety-boo.
